Five sexy celebrities who pull off baldness, unlike you

LOSING your hair? Thinking you might be able to make it work like these five gorgeous guys who make male-pattern baldness hot?

Jason Statham

The chiselled bone structure and devastatingly buff physique of Statham makes having hair look a childish affectation. Hair would only detract from his brooding aura of violence. You’re more suited to playing a background thug – like, really in the background, not even in focus – than a leading man.

Bruce Willis

Despite the fact he started to lose his hair before he’d fully shifted from TV to movies, Bruce has never been short of gorgeous girlfriends and had his pick of roles for decades. But thinking about it, Demi Moore was way out of your pulling league even when you were hirsute.

Mark Strong

Every woman is drawn to Strong’s low, dulcet tones and soulful, imploring eyes. And he’s also fluent in German and best mates with Daniel Craig, so that was probably some consolation when all his hair fell out leaving him a total slaphead. You enjoy none of those advantages. You’re not even balding evenly.

Dwayne Johnson

With the ripped body and irresistible charisma of The Rock you hardly need a thick crop of hair to appeal to the ladies. Even when he had hair, it looked like it had been drawn on with a marker pen. Losing it was an improvement. For you, needless to say, it won’t be.

Stanley Tucci

It’s important to stress that all of these men have good looks, money, and charm behind your wildest dreams. I mean this dude’s name is Stanley for f**k’s sake and he still gets the ladies going with his impromptu Italian cooking sessions and cocktail nights. Why have you even read this far? Go and cry in the bathroom, you bald bastard.

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'There could be something worth exploring there': seven ways to tell a co-worker to f**k off

WORKPLACES frown on negativity, foul language and cracking your co-workers’ skulls against their desks. Use these acceptable alternatives: 

‘There could be something worth exploring there’

A phrase silently followed by the word ‘but’. As in: ‘There could be something worth exploring there, but right now we’re focusing on solutions actually possible in this f**king universe, thanks, dickhead.’

‘Did this suffer some sort of glitch?’

I know there wasn’t a glitch. You know there wasn’t a glitch. But I’m asking you to apologise for the shitstain of a piece of work you just delivered to me, and go fix it. And, for no other reason than I’m forced to. I’m doing it nicely.

‘No worries’

You may have no worries, crashing through life like a bull with no idea what constitutes a sentence and poor formatting skills, but I f**king do. Stay out of the way while I clean up your bullshit. And your line spacing.

‘As per my last email’

How dare you f**king email me at all, let alone with something I already f**king said? Go learn to read, learn again, go over my every communication character by character then think hard about whether it’s ever worth interrupting me before coming to the conclusion: no.

‘Please see the forwarded email below’

An escalation from the above, after you managed to somehow believe you were still in the right and yet again stomped into my inbox. Piss off, delete your email account, never turn on a computer again.

‘Is this urgent, or can we pick this up in the morning?’

Calm. The f**k. Down. You may have some sick belief that staying in the office past 6pm is a good way to spend your time, but don’t rope me into your twisted fantasy.

‘Let’s push that meeting back until we’ve met a milestone’

I’ve thought long and hard about how I would kill you.