Fogles and Middletons locked in murderous blood feud

DOZENS have been killed since the outbreak of a vicious battle between Britain’s leading quite posh crime families.

“Some things cannot be forgiven”

The feud began yesterday after the Middleton-owned money laundering operation Party Pieces failed to deliver trinkets for the birthday of Ben Fogle’s favourite son Ludo.

An anonymous Fogle consiglieri said: “The Middletons may be greasing the royal palm but even so you’d have to be insane to fuck with the capo Ben Fogle. I’ve seen him kick a French polisher to death just for making eye contact with his spaniel.

“When the Party Pieces stuff didn’t arrive, Ben just got this look in his eye and said, ‘It is time for me to make some calls’. Twenty minutes later the Party Pieces warehouse blew up, killing 14 Middleton goons.”

Later that evening all the guests at a Fogle-run drinks reception died after eating poisoned canapes and a dead sheep with ‘Fuckers’ written on its flank was left outside a Putney boutique that is part of the Fogle clan’s extensive protection racket.

The source said: “The Middletons have always thought there was only room for one family in the cultural void between the middle and upper classes, so they goaded the Fogles into making the first move hoping the Windsors would fall in with them.

“This is war, pure and simple. Stay away from Chelsea, Putney and the nicer parts of Notting Hill.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Totally unreasonable bastards expecting man to do his job

A MAN is being unfairly expected to do the job he is paid to do, it has emerged.

Wayne Hayes, an administrator at a small print company, has been subjected to a campaign of harassment by colleagues and customers demanding he do things in his job description.

He said: “When you’re an administrator, people think they can hassle you with any old shit to do with admin.

“Yesterday my boss Emma told me to order some Post-It notes, so I said ‘D’you want me to wipe your arse while I’m at it, mein Fuhrer?’ I think that did the trick because she looked really confused.

“Then someone rang up asking if we did pizza leaflets when I was at a particularly important plot juncture in my latest work of fan fiction, Picard’s Dilemma.”

Logan said he would not rule out legal action against his employers if tasks such as answering his phone and filing invoices continued to mar his texting and sandwich-eating.

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “Maybe the miserable bastard would be better suited to working as a coach driver for school trips, or for the customer service department of any major internet provider.”