Monday, 19th April 2021

'Get f**ked, baldy': a transcript of the Harry-William phone call

A PHONE call to patch up differences between Prince William and Prince Harry went badly. The Daily Mash has the transcript: 

KENSINGTON PALACE: Hello? Is that Harry?

SANTA BARBARA: Get f**ked, baldy.

KP: Up your bollocks, ginger. I’m phoning because Granny’s made me.

SB: Yeah? Any idea how pathetic that sounds?

KP: Anyway we’re meant to be having peace talks. As in you give the rest of us a bit of peace by shutting your bird the f**k up.

SB: Oh piss off. She’s American, they never shut up. Anyway, why should she? You and Kate didn’t shut up sending your little pals to the newspapers when you didn’t like the plans for Frogmore Cottage.

KP: Hot tubs are common. Look, you’re making us all look bad and dragging the good name of the Royal family through the mud, and it’s got to –

SB: Me dragging it through the mud? Have you met Uncle Andrew? And his daughters get to be bloody Princesses.

KP: We can remove you from the line of succession. I warn you.

SB: Right. So I’ll never be theoretically considered for the job Dad’s been waiting to do his whole life, and he’s 72. Big loss. Huge.

KP: And Granddad says you haven’t called him.

SB: Last time I spoke to Granddad I had to consult a dictionary from the 1930s to check that the archaic phrases he used were, as I suspected, hugely offensive. My suspicions were confirmed.

KP: So what, you’re just going to talk to whichever Yank TV host you fancy?

SB: Ah, it’s the wife, she’s all Hollywood. Genuinely it’s nice out here though. Doesn’t piss it down all the time. You should visit.

KP: Yeah, fat chance with Kate on the warpath. She’s livid. And now Meghan’s gone she’s taking it out on Pippa again. What’s this Netflix deal about, then?

SB: Honestly f**k knows, mate. Wellbeing or some shit. We needed the money. Anyway, no hard feelings, meet up for a grouse shoot on the 12th?

KP: Yeah alright. Tell the press we’ve still fallen out though. Distracts them from what Edward’s getting up to.

SB: Nice one bruvva.

KP: Nice one. Future king out.