European countries suspend Oxford jab over fears it turns you gammon

FRANCE, Germany and Italy have suspended use of the UK-developed AstraZeneca vaccine following reports that it turns you into a raging gammon.

European leaders leaders came to the difficult decision after a number of the 11 million vaccinated became red-faced, belligerent and obsessed with defending statues.

A shaken Emmanuel Macron told his country he had to balance the risk of coronavirus with the risk of France being overrun by Wetherspoons full of blokes in their 50s drinking lager and talking common bloody sense.

He said: “This vaccine being from the UK was obviously a concern from the beginning. It’s like a xenophobic 28 Days Later.

“We feared that we might find microscopic particles of anti-EU sentiment in bloodstreams, but never imagined it would produce such a strong tendency to admire Jeremy Clarkson and complain that we were never grateful enough for World War Two.”

Parisian boulangerie worker Guillaume Dubois said: “I got the vaccine last week. Croissants? F**k off. I’m serving bacon baps and the Frogs can like it or kiss my arse.

“Love the Queen, hate Corbyn and BLM – simple as. As soon as I can I’m getting out of this cosmopolitan shit-hole and moving to Basildon.”

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The timeline of the Daily Mail’s vendetta against Meghan from now to 2081AD

THE Daily Mail shows no sign of ending its incensed vendetta against the Duchess of Sussex. Here’s how it will continue for the next six decades:


The Mail keeps up a minimum quota of 15 anti-Meghan stories per day, including highlights like ‘The Covid pandemic of 2020-2023 – did Meghan cause it?’ and ‘Has Meghan castrated Harry to keep him chained in a cage?’


The Mail now has a daily section where they ask random people ‘Why is Meghan so shit and evil?’ Every day, the person who gives the best reason wins a house. Sometimes they get squirrels and pigeons to crap on a picture of her.


Most of the senior monarchy are dead now, but the Mail will never forget. The artificial intelligence algorithm created from Sarah Vine’s columns is still writing articles like ‘I don’t want to say slut – but look at Meghan’s CHEAP SHOES’.


As global warming floods British cities and fresh pandemics reduce the world’s population by 45 per cent, ordinary people no longer remember who Meghan was. The Mail is undeterred and pointedly offers readers a free Diana calendar, titled ‘Count down to the End of Days with a Proper Princess’.


Nuclear war has begun as China, the US and Europe struggle to secure dwindling resources. In a bunker deep below London, Mail bots continue to churn out clickbait like ‘Did Meghan antagonise China with Oprah interview?’


As stunted, irradiated humans begin trying to rebuild society, the Mail sets up primitive printing presses. Their first story is: ‘Why Princess Margaret showed more dignity than Meghan ever did’.

2080 and beyond

The world is in ruins and humanity is wiped out. A lone newspaper blows in the wind through a deserted, lifeless city. The headline? ‘‘Why did OUR HARRY ever marry this AMERICAN ACTRESS gold-digger?’