'God prays to me for advice': Excerpts from Bono's new autobiography

BONO is promoting Surrender, his autobiography describing his life via the songs of U2. Might it be the tiniest bit self-important? Read these selected excerpts and decide for yourself.

Meeting Barack Obama

I had cocktails at the White House with Obama, or Bazza, as he insists on me calling him. ‘Bono, you would make a great president. I’m shit at it compared to you,’ he said. I considered taking over, but a free spirit like me has to do things his own way. However I’ve said I’ll step in as POTUS if Earth needs saving from nuclear war, a massive meteorite or a godzilla.

Talking to God

Sometimes I hear a tiny voice pleading for help, saying things like ‘Almighty Bono, how can I be a better omnipotent deity?’ It’s clearly God asking for my advice. I always set him straight on world peace, ending poverty and how to give Jesus his own space. I know he appreciates it because I won 20 Euros on the Irish lotto the other day. He works in mysterious ways.

The creative process

How do you explain genius? Here’s my humble attempt. First I write some words. It’s good if they rhyme a bit, and are about a big subject, eg. the entire history and culture of America. Some artists say they channel a higher creative power, but I find it’s more worthwhile to channel me. Then I instruct the others how to do the song: ‘play the guitar fast, Dave’, ‘sad’, or ‘quieter so you can hear my vocals’. And hey presto – another unforgettable U2 mega-hit like Love Rescue Me.

The secret of a perfect marriage

I’ve been with my wife Ali for 40 blissful years. My advice? Always put your partner first. Every birthday without fail I present her with a poem by me, or a tape of me on acoustic guitar. Or I might get her some ear plugs. Ali absolutely loves ear plugs and has a massive collection, as well as AirPods and industrial ear muffs. She suffers from overly sensitive hearing, she says.

Being a Writer

Obviously I’ve written lots of U2 lyrics, but this is my first book. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I found it piss-easy. I could write a great novel like Dostoyevsky or Frederick Forsyth, but it’s more important to set out my own life and thoughts for future generations. And aliens, who, if they’re not here already, will want to spread my message across the universe. 

Evolving into a being of pure energy

I sometimes feel myself moving onto a higher plane of consciousness where I become one with the eternal song of the cosmos and its infinite wisdom, usually after about eight pints of Guinness. Don’t worry though – I’ll be back to do gigs and write books like this, recommended retail price £12.50 at all good bookshops. If they haven’t got it, ask them to order it and put it somewhere prominent, not behind the Nigella Christmas cookbooks.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The pathetic Brit's guide to indirectly saying your meal was shit

HAVE you been disappointed by a meal out but lack the balls to complain? Here’s your guide to indirectly making your feelings known in a feeble British way. 

Loudly praise the restaurant’s decor

There’s nothing good to say about the food, so be overly enthusiastic about the decor – everyone knows positive people are angry inside. The lighting is subtle, the paintings of fish just wonderful. In your mind the obvious message you’re sending out is: ‘She loves the decor, but hasn’t mentioned the food. She must hate it!’ Although there’s a slim chance no one will notice.

Ask the manager if they saw Jurassic World Dominion

Talk about negative experiences – a washout holiday, kidney stones, the latest seen-it-all-before Jurassic Park movie. The manager will ask himself, ‘Why is the customer having this negative train of thought? Could our restaurant have set it off? OH GOD!’

Act like you shagged the waiter and they never called

The waiter deserves your ire. Act with all the bitterness of someone who has put out then been ghosted. When they bring the prawn bhuna, say ‘Surprised you turned up!’ and generally be annoyed and sarcastic. Just don’t get carried away with the routine and say ‘Sure you’ve got my number?’ Despite your weirdness, they’ll be delighted they’ve pulled and you don’t want that.

Don’t write a review online

Nothing says ‘I f**king hated this place’ more than not even deigning to shit all over it on Tripadvisor. It was, frankly, beneath you to review. Words may be weapons, but there is probably great power in silence. Show them who’s boss.

Turn the bill into an origami snake

Curse the establishment by leaving a carefully folded origami serpent on the table when you leave. A symbol of evil and original sin, your snake bill will let everyone know that you were unhappy with the pan-fried seabass. You might have to leave a short essay explaining this.

Never return to the restaurant

By never going back, the restaurant staff will surely know how little you think of them and gradually realise the error of their ways. Unless they assume you were a day tripper, you’ve moved, or you’ve died. Either way, it’s time to find another restaurant for you to kick into touch with your stinging imperceptible hints.