Group of celebrities get together to shut the f**k up

A GROUP of A-list celebrities have gotten together to shut the f**k up, with all the money raised going to charity. 

Stars including Mariah Carey, Robert Downey Jr, Gordon Ramsey, Missy Elliott, Hugh Jackman and Bono have agreed to help during these strange times by not getting in the public’s faces with their bullshit for a bit.

The Walking Dead’s Andrew Lincoln said: “I play the part of a zombie-killing sheriff on TV. Does anyone need to hear from me right now? Do they bollocks.

“So we’re holing up, enjoying our yes large houses, and giving the locked-down public what it wants by not flaunting our shitty abstract art and 66th-floor balconies on laptop cameras. For charity.”

Model Heidi Klum added: “We want people to know we care, but also that ultimately means nothing and you couldn’t give a fuck as long as we keep it shut.

“It also has the benefit of us not irritating the world with our recipes, vacuous platitudes, or idiot theories about how the pandemic is spreading. All proceeds go to food banks.”

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Hen do so much f**king better via Zoom

A VIRTUAL hen party was so much more enjoyable than the real thing that it was actually enjoyable, attendees have confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis was forced neither to drink two gallons of prosecco, snog a nerd, or attempt to pole dance on the socially-distanced occasion and woke the next day without lingering paranoia that she had wanked off a bouncer or pissed in a taxi queue.

She said: “It was so civilised. I drank two normal sized glasses of red wine while having a nice chat, and nobody descended into the kind of grotesque debauchery you’d usually only see in a painting by Hieronymous Bosch.

“We could hear ourselves talk. There were no men grinding up against our arses. Robbie Williams’s Rock DJ went unheard the whole night.

“I was left with a feeling of genuine happiness for the bride-to-be instead of resenting her for forcing me to spend the best part of £300 on humiliating myself and ruining my best top with wept-off mascara and vomit.

“I know the lockdown’s f**king up the economy and everything, but I could do another three years if it means never wearing a hat with a penis on it.”