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Hancock on I'm A Celebrity to raise awareness of dickheads

FORMER health secretary Matt Hancock has decided to appear on I’m A Celebrity in order to raise public awareness of what a dickhead looks and acts like.

Public awareness of dickheads who killed thousands of people while having affairs is at an all-time low, but Hancock has bravely taken it upon himself to act as a reminder.

He said: “Does appearing on TV to try and salvage my reputation by getting showered in slurry and bugs make me a hero? I think so.

“If I didn’t enter the jungle then you might forget all the telltale signs of a dickhead and vote another one into power. Now all you have to do is compare potential dickheads to my soft, gormless face and creepy ‘please like me’ personality and go from there. You’re welcome.

“By using me as a baseline, British politics could be free of dickheads by 2024. Then you’ll just need to root out the liars, racists, bullies, idiots and xenophobes, which might take a little longer. It’s a start though.”

TV viewer Martin Bishop said: “Bullshit, he doesn’t get to use his dickhead nature to redeem himself. Plus he’s set the cause of dickheads back a decade by pocketing a fortune and pretending it’s for charity.

“Bring on the Tentacles of Terror. Wish it was a real giant squid, the dickhead deserves it.”

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Six gruesome and vicious Bushtucker trials sent in by members of the public

THE British public have, unsolicited, been sending in Bushtucker trial ideas for Matt Hancock. Here are six of them.

The Bug Stamper, by Jack Browne, aged 14

‘Matt Hancock has to run back and forth through a glass corridor full of bugs to get stars, but the ceiling is spiked and slams down with overwhelming force when activated by a pressure pad and crushes him to death. We watch it in slow motion as his insides get squished out.’

The Most Dangerous Game, by Sophie Rodriguez, aged 28

‘Matt Hancock is released into a maze full of traps and told he has to find the stars and escape, but there aren’t any stars. Instead all the other celebrities have guns and have to score a direct hit on Matt to earn a meal. They’ve been told they’re paintball guns. They’re not.’

The Insect Queen, by Martha Hancock, aged 44

‘Matt Hancock is working late, or so he tells his wife and three children, but actually he’s got to romance a giant preying mantis to win meals for the camp. He compliments her on her triangular head and powerful mandibles, they make out behind a door, then she kills him and eats him in the manner of her kind.’

The Isolator, by Steven Malley, aged 53

‘Matt Hancock is locked in a glass box, artificially aged until he is 82, then spends months alone only able to see family members mouthing through the soundproof walls, until he dies and nobody is allowed to attend his funeral. See how he f**king likes it.’

The Saw Films, by Hannah Tomlinson, aged 10

‘You know the Saw films? All the tortures in all of those, one after the other, and each one earns a star but then he drops the stars because he hasn’t got hands anymore and the camp are told that their meal today is Matt Hancock and kill and consume him. I drew pictures.’

The Humiliator, by Boris Johnson, aged 58

‘First make him health secretary throughout a pandemic, then sack him for snogging in the office even though I got sucked off in mine, then lock him out of all government jobs until he’s so skint he has to eat crocodile arsehole on national TV and is a f**king joke for the rest of his miserable life. Run against me for PM would you? Twat.’

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