Woman incorrectly believes she could have back up career on OnlyFans

A WOMAN mistakenly believes that she could make a fortune on OnlyFans if she were to compromise her morals enough to sign up.

Susan Traherne is convinced she could quit being a Data Services Manager and become a successful online sex worker, vastly overestimating the number of people willing to pay to see a 49-year-old woman touching herself in a suburban Doncaster semi.

Traherne said: “Of course I’d never actually do it, but sometimes I wonder why I put in all that hard graft at a desk when I could get my tits out on camera for a few guys and be mortgage-free in no time.

“I’m guessing they offer – what? – £3k or even £4k for each picture, right? Probably more now I’ve had my roots done. Paying over the odds is part of the kick for these perverts.

“I’m only joking, of course, but all the cash I could make on OnlyFans is certainly tempting. I’m sure there are plenty of men eager to have hot, filthy chat with a divorced lady who refers to her vagina as her ‘front bottom’.”

OnlyFans user Martin Bishop said: “I’m sick to death of all these boring 20-year-olds with fake tits and no conversation and wish I could chat with a real woman in cotton knickers who’d let me call her ‘Auntie Susan’. I miss Readers’ Wives.”

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Long-term sickness: is it as fun as the media make it sound?

MORE than 2.8 million Britons are living it up by being too ill to work, instead revelling in long, lazy days untroubled by responsibility. But is there a downside? 

Shortages of content

To you, a wageslave, there’s a wealth of streaming viewing. But to the long-term sick who can binge a season in a single day, there isn’t anywhere near enough. It’s tough, struggling your way through Brooklyn Nine-Nine for a third time. It can even make you wish you didn’t have limited mobility and government cuts hadn’t taken away your car.

Lack of motivation

When you’re getting a living allowance generous enough for a pack of Aldi digestive biscuits every fortnight, it can be hard to motivate yourself. You’ll find yourself lying in bed, staring at the sky, wondering why you even bother. Also you’re confined to bed by lung disease after a lifetime working with asbestos, on top of the motivation issue.

Less community feeling

Being freed from the nine to five means unhurried picnics in parks with friends where the sun never seems to set. Or so you’d believe. But often the long-term sick, deprived of the cameraderie of the office, fail to take advantage of social opportunities because they are too tired, broke or quadraplegic.

Regular appointments

There’s no more packed diary of meetings, conferences and diversity training awaydays when you’re off ill, but that doesn’t mean you’re free as a bird. Whether you’re picking up prescriptions, receiving medical care for a terminal condition or attending an assessment interview to prove you’re still blind, the schedule soon fills up.

Chronic pain

With a long week stretching ahead, it’s easy to imagine being in constant pain at home would be sweet relief. Yet surprisingly, this is often not the case because chronic pain, disability, struggles with mental health and an underfunded health service can take their own toll. So next time you’re considering being long-term sick, think again.