Man realises he would have bullied his teenage self too

A MAN looking back on a miserable adolescence ruined by bullies has come to the conclusion that, on balance, he probably deserved it.

Nathan Muir, aged 41, had always believed the teasing that dogged him through secondary school was uncalled for. However, after looking through a box of his teenage things stored in his mum’s attic, he has taken the bullies’ side.

Muir said: “It turns out I was an unbearable, self-righteous little twat with criminally bad taste and deserved every ounce of persecution I got.

“My diary made me want to punch my teenage self. It begins with a pompous treatise about how terrible ‘modern’ bands like Nirvana are, and how real musicians like ELO and Feargal Sharkey deserve more respect.

“And it goes on to complain that someone pinched my prefect badge and so, in retaliation, I reported them to the headmaster for ‘illegally’ smoking on the tennis courts.

“Now I understand why I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 26. The simple fact is that I was a dickhead.”

Nathan’s mum Mary said: “It’s sad when your child comes home from school crying because the other kids were ripping the piss out of him for playing the recorder to Grade 8 level.

“Half of me, of course, wanted to comfort him. The other half wanted to flush his head down the toilet for being such a f**king nerd.”

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Man disappointed to find MILF not British after noticing continental plug sockets

A MAN is dismayed after identifying a European MILF mislabelled as British when he noticed the two-pin plug sockets above the kitchen counter she was lying on.

Wayne Hayes was upset to make the discovery after he had specifically searched for an older British lady so he could enjoy a patriotic wank.

Hayes said: “I was appreciating a video of a woman allegedly named Julie who had taken a break from her household chores to recline naked on the worktop, when my eyes were drawn to the sockets next to her shapely calves.

“They were clearly standard European two-pin jobs, not our superior three-pin ones. Then I realised there was no kettle in sight, which is definitely a telltale sign you aren’t in Blighty.

“It’s true she could have moved it to avoid a painful burn in a sensitive area, but any decent British woman would know how to navigate a receptacle full of just-boiled water.”

Hayes has now issued a plea for amateur porn producers to label their content more accurately.

He said: “This kind of sloppiness just isn’t on. How am I supposed to daydream that I could bump into Julie outside Morrisons in Huddersfield, when she’ll actually be buying schnitzel and currywurst in a Lidl in Düsseldorf?”