Every man's love language is sex

EVERY single man’s preferred way of expressing his love is to have lots of sex multiple times a week, it has emerged.

All other love languages such as flattering comments, quality time and thoughtful acts come second in every man’s vocabulary of affection to a vigorous round of intercourse, ideally with the lights on.

Relationship expert Dr Emma Bradford said: “Men will endure lesser love languages as a means to an end. That end of course being a good, hearty shag where the woman goes on top for a bit.

“Even progressive men who are in touch with their feelings would rather a quickie over love languages like receiving gifts. Unless of course that gift was sex and it was wrapped in lingerie they’d ordered from a catalogue.”

Man Wayne Hayes said: “My favourite love language is physical touch. Or, to be precise, the physical touch of my penis entering a vagina without a condom on, otherwise I can’t feel anything.

“I’m not fussy though. Handjobs and blowies are also acceptable. I’m an old-school romantic like that.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Sex is important to women too. We just rely on vibrators because they actually make us come.”

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If NHS can only be saved by immigration it's not worth saving, says Britain

THE British have decided that if the cost of preventing the complete collapse of the NHS is a load of foreigners coming over, we should just bin it.

Since 1948 the NHS was considered one of the jewels in Britain’s crown, offering free medical treatment to all via general taxation, but many of the public feel it would better to have no medical treatment at all than more people with funny surnames.

Others feel that unusual bread and sausages sold in Polish shops are a compelling reason to hand the whole operation over to private insurance companies.

Window cleaner Tom Logan, 58, said: “For half my working life I’ve relied on the NHS for a series of ongoing ailments. Without it, I’d be tens of thousands of pounds in debt.

“But an NHS employing people from a slightly different culture would be unbearable. I’d rather die in agony than be treated by someone who wasn’t a lifelong fan of Stoke City FC, or had never eaten mushy peas.

“They come over here in their dinghies with their balalaikas and strange food, thinking they can live it up at the British taxpayer’s expense working 14-hour shifts. Those jobs should be filled by exhausted, demoralised, underpaid, indigenous NHS staff who are currently leaving in droves.”

Gift shop owner Donna Sheridan agreed: “Call me racist, but I don’t want a sleazy Albanian pimp or a West Indian voodoo man treating my angina, which would definitely happen.

“Let’s move to private health insurance which I haven’t thought properly about at all. If you can’t afford 25 grand for a broken leg, you’ll just have to live with a wonky one. That’s what us Brits are made of – ill-informed bloodymindedness.”