'Dogs Playing Poker' and other artworks that ought to be in the Louvre

THE Mona Lisa? Boring. The public would queue for hours to see the originals of these masterpieces: 

Dogs Playing Poker, by Cassius Marcellus Coolidge

The Louvre gets 2.8 million visitors a year, but imagine how many more they’d get if they ditched the Caravaggio for paintings of dogs playing poker. Michaelangelo didn’t paint these because he lacked artistic imagination, wasting his talents churning out boring pictures about stuff from the Bible.

Tennis Girl Scratching Arse, by Martin Elliot

Géricault’s Raft of the Medusa might be famous, but it’s never inspired teenage boys to knock one out. Tennis Girl led the charge of posters-as-soft-porn and it was on sale in Woolworths next to the pick-and-mix. Dewy-eyed 70s adolescents would admire it reverently.

Magic Eye images

Many say the Renaissance period, with artists such as Da Vinci, Botticelli and Titian, was the peak of Western civilisation’s artistic endeavours. Those people must have missed the Magic Eye revolution. Initially colourful noise, but stare at it cross-eyed for long enough and a horse or a car suddenly swims into view. You don’t get that with Rembrandt.

Che Guevara in a beret, by Alberto Korda

The French bloody love berets, so the absence of Che Guevara in a beret from the Louvre is a mystery. They should ditch the Venus de Milo, which doesn’t even have arms, for the iconic image of Che, beloved of Marxists who also very much like weed.

Trainspotting poster

Every student flat in the late 1990s had the Trainspotting poster on the back of the bathroom door. Featuring the opening ‘choose life’ monologue from the film, students who read it while having a crap could now use it as a checklist for all the stuff they’ve got.

The Wings of Love, by Stephen Pearson

A naked woman in front of a swan with a 40ft wingspan with a naked man stepping lightly from one wing, this surreal artwork is the equal of anything by Hironymous Bosch. The Louvre’s stuffed to the brim with nudes so its omission is utterly baffling.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Maybe' and other British words that mean 'no'

THE English language is rich, varied and blessed with 4,000 passive-aggressive synonyms for the word ‘no’. These are just a few: 


Both noun and an adverb and means ‘no’ either way. Commonly employed by parents, for example: ‘maybe we could get you a drum kit in a couple of years, if you’re good, maybe.’ Also used by partners while considering the latest sexual innovation you’d like to try.


Less a word, more a murmer of indifference which directly translates as ‘not f**king likely’. Often said by someone scrunching up their face in revulsion during situations where a flat ‘no’ is socially unacceptable. You’ll recognise it from first dates.

‘I’ll think about it’

They’ve already thought about it and the answer is no, but they’re too polite, cowardly or professional to say so. Bosses use this when you ask for a pay rise so you’ll forget it and move on. It’s been four years and you haven’t forgotten, not that you deserve one.

‘Could do’

The ‘no’ of choice for indecisive girlfriends. That nice Chinese place round the corner? Could do. Or the Indian joint by Waitrose? Could do. Domino’s? Could do. When you find yourself trapped in this cycle, ask them if they’d like to continue the relationship. You’ll get the same response.

‘Yeah no’

A brutal, whiplash-inducing piece of linguistic chicanery. The positive only there to affirm the negative, to offer hope before crushing it, to leave you in no doubt as to the speaker’s blanket dismissal.

‘I’d love to’ 

The most remorseless, humiliating ‘no’ of them all, detected only in retrospect by eager men whose texts go unanswered. Will secretly hope it means ‘yes’ until their dying days.