Do you judge mums on their phones when they could be playing with their kids, or should you f**k off?

DO you begrudge mothers a quick glance at Instagram while their small children are happily occupied or are you not a judgemental twat? Find out:

You’re at a playground sitting on a bench. Do you:

A) Have a cursory glance round for obvious dangers then check your 52 unread work emails.
B) Tut at mothers browsing their phones for missing out on the joys of parenthood before realising your kid is cying on the roundabout and now you look negligent.

You are at a soft play, bored out of your mind. Do you:

A) Fire up Facebook like everyone else. It’s ok to admit that toddlers can be f**king dull.
B) Hover around the edges, applauding wildly each time your son comes down the slide, unaware that you’re disturbing other mums having their first adult conversation all day.

You’re in the queue at a supermarket. Do you:

A) Give your phone to your child to distract them from demanding Tic-Tacs and a Vienetta.
B) Explain to your tantruming child that phones are not toys and she should use her imagination while the queue behind you sighs.

You’re at your child’s swimming lesson. Do you:

A) Perch on the edge of the pool, engrossed in Dostoyevsky on Kindle. The swimming teacher has full responsibility for your child and you’re going to enjoy it.
B) Yes you’re on your phone, but only to time your son’s laps while you shout encouragement. Everyone hopes you drop your shiny Samsung in.

You’re at the school gates with five minutes to spare. Do you:

A) Finish your online shop, check the weather forecast and arrange a piss-up with the School Mums WhatsApp group.
B) Pointedly not go on your phone. Wonder why nobody ever talks to you.


Mostly As: You are a normal parent with a busy life and the whole world, accessed via phone, is occasionally more important and interesting than a four-year-old.

Mostly Bs: You are an overcritical arsehole. Even your own toddlers wish you’d get into Wordle.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man who pretended to like obscure music to look cool stuck with it forever

A MAN who stood out for enjoying obscure, challenging music is now unable to back down and just listen to ABBA.

Tom Logan, aged 38, began being more into cool, alternative bands than anyone else when he was a student and now has a whole vinyl library of unlistenable shit to feign appreciation of.

He said: “I went to university, I put a Sleater-Kinney poster on my wall so the boys would think I was cool and the girls would fancy me, it worked and it’s been hell ever since.

“Once you’re friends with the music nerds you always have to go one better. When they thought In Rainbows was amazing, I had to dismiss it as mainstream and try to get them into hypnagogic pop.

“Fast-forward 15 miserable years and my wedding song was by Mountain Goats, I only get to see old friends if I meet them for a Black Midi gig, and I’m trapped in pretending I love The Fall.

“If only I could admit that I hate all the music I profess to enjoy, whack on Dancing Queen and dance around the kitchen singing along like a normal, tasteless, happy human being.”

Friend Lauren Hewitt said: “Everyone knows Tom yearns to listen to Taylor Swift, but we won’t let him off the hook. We’ve suffered his pretentious shite for years. He deserves this.”