Harry placed 110,001st in line to the throne behind Danny Dyer

THE media has demanded that the Duke of Sussex be moved from sixth in line to the throne to 110,001th, behind the Duke of Walford. 

Following Harry and Meghan’s latest announcement that they do not give a f**k what British newspapers say because they are in California, an incensed press has demanded that the EastEnders actor be placed above him in the line of succession.

Unofficial Buckingham Palace spokesman Piers Morgan said: “Harry has betrayed every man, woman and child in Britain. He is no longer fit to walk around Nottingham town centre, smiling at people and asking ‘What do you do?’

“As we all know, Danny Dyer is not only pure-bred Royalty but like Diana he has the common touch, as evidenced by his meeting many of Britain’s deadliest men.

“What’s more his daughter Dani has proved herself to be a true princess by winning the fourth series of ITV2’s Love Island in 2018. Haughty Meghan wouldn’t have lasted past the first coupling.

“Should anything happen to William or his children, the nation would be relieved to know that Danny was available to step in and plant the nut on anyone dissing Her Maj. Proper naughty.”

A spokesman for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex said: “I am informed that, in the unlikely event he were to be offered the throne, Harry would not deign to even shit on it.”

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Schools, families meeting outdoors, cheering crowds celebrating Brexit: the roadmap out of lockdown, step-by-step

THE government is set to announce its roadmap out of lockdown later today. Here’s a step-by-step guide to regaining your freedom. 

MARCH 8th: Schools resume throughout England. Drinking during the day halts. Productivity expected to rise, as is punching the air shouting ‘YES!’

MARCH 29th: Outdoor gatherings of up to six people or two households allowed in public parks, private gardens and the Cairngorms. Social and emotional distancing must continue; the only permitted reaction to a family member’s protracted story of lockdown woe is ‘Hm.’

MAY 6th: Voting in local elections and mayoral elections allowed. Voters are reminded that the new ‘Killer Keir’ variant of Covid-19 is shown to adversely affect anyone with Labour sympathies and to vote accordingly. Also if you do not vote Tory you won’t get your second dose of vaccine.

MAY 17th: Pubs to reopen, but drink is to be served in beer gardens only. Each pint must include a Scotch egg floater and smoking is only permitted indoors. The first drink of any session must, by law, be dedicated to Boris. Drinking during the day resumes, especially in Wetherspoons.

JUNE 26th: Glastonbury will be replaced by a spontaneous celebration of Brexit on every street in Britain, with grateful citizens waving Union Jacks and cheering for six hours continuously. To be shown live on the BBC, with Northern Ireland available on the red button.

AUGUST 2nd: Last year’s much-criticised Eat Out to Help Out scheme is replaced by the Eat Out or Lose Your Citizenship scheme, spearheaded by Priti Patel. Each household in Britain is required to dine at a chain restaurant once per week, by law. Single people must dine twice per week and have a starter.

SEPTEMBER 3rd: Schools close after opening for a single day because of the fourth wave, spread by pubs, cheering for Brexit and the Eat Out scheme. Nobody could have predicted this and nobody is to blame.