BEING a traitor isn’t the only thing Alan Carr has been lying about. Here is the disturbing truth about one of TV’s most beloved stars.
He’s actually straight
Even people with finely-tuned gaydar could be forgiven for thinking that Alan Carr isn’t straight, so nuanced is the subtle persona he puts on. The toll of maintaining this facade is exhausting for poor Carr though, so at the end of the day he loves nothing more than to get into a big bed with his harem of buxom swimsuit models. He’s earned it.
He has 20/20 vision
Don’t let his comically large glasses fool you. Alan Carr actually has the keen-eyed vision of a fighter pilot, and in fact he used to be a flying ace for the Royal Air Force before landing his cushy telly gigs. The only reason he wears silly specs now is to hide his identity from angry husbands of all the military wives he shagged.
That’s not his real voice
An obvious one when you think about it. Most human beings, with the notable exception of Joe Pasquale, don’t speak in such a reedy tone unless they’re a voice actor pretending to be a little timid mouse character. At home Carr sounds more like Brian Blessed, but he had to adopt a gimmicky alternative to stand out in the crowded media landscape.
He’s an incredibly shy introvert
Alan Carr’s deception is so total that you’d never guess he’s actually a retiring wallflower whose social battery drains quickly around other people. After wrapping on The Celebrity Traitors, he will need to take five years off to recover and won’t be seen on our screens again until 2030 at the earliest. Do not approach him if you see him out and about in the meantime, for his health.
He’s not called Alan Carr
According to his birth certificate he was originally christened Silas McFartface, but Equity barred him from using it due to a Death in Paradise extra having the same name. However he hopes to one day pass on the proud McFartface family name when one of the many women he’s dating is ready to settle down.
He’s not giving the Traitor’s prize pot to charity
Carr’s crowning betrayal is that he will be pocketing the £87,500 prize money instead of giving it to Neuroblastoma UK. The tears that rolled down his face during last night’s finale were not a sign of remorse, but in fact signalled his huge relief at finally being able to afford a new marble counter top for his kitchen. ‘Those things ain’t cheap,’ he laughingly told reporters in a deep, gruff voice.
