SHADOW justice secretary Robert Jenrick has proved his hard man credentials by saying ‘bullshit’ on Good Morning Britain. Here he lists other profanities he is prepared to use.
Muff
Polite society be damned – a rugged alpha leader of men like myself must sometimes resort to the language of the gutter. Although like ‘bullshit’, it might be less scathing if I am immediately told off like a naughty toddler by Kate Garraway.
Gobshit
A man of the world like me knows all the swear words, and I’ve already used this to shame our lying, incompetent chancellor Rachel Reeves. ‘You’re a gobshit!’ I shouted at her. ‘Sorry?’ she said. I bet she was, after a dressing down like that!
Vagina
One of the worst swear words, and who isn’t scared of vaginas? It gives me the shudders thinking about what monstrous things might be lurking in there. I’ve seen The Descent.
Poop chute
‘Ed Miliband is talking out of his poop chute!’ I’ll say. Obviously not in front of him. You should confront your enemies behind their backs, as Sun Tzu probably said. And yes, I am exactly the sort of wanker who owns The Art of War. But you knew that already.
Bollogs
This well-known swear word is ideal for mocking my opponents’ policies. ‘What a load of bollogs!’ I will sneer at Labour ministers regardless of what they’re proposing. They will look so stupid!
Mimsy
The worst of all swear words, and I’m saving it for when I am Tory leader and locked in a clash of the titans with Keir Starmer. ‘You chuffing mimsy!’ I’ll shout. He won’t know what to say to that.
Knackers
Deep obscene, certainly, but with Britain besieged by eco-fanatics, transsexuals and Bob Vylan, it is time for straight talking. Because it will be too late when the knackers hit the fan.
Drokk
‘Isn’t that what Judge Dredd said because they couldn’t swear in a comic?’ asked my wife. Precisely. As my one-man clampdown on fare dodgers proved, I am very much the real-life Judge Dredd, and if you disagree you can drokk off!
Front bottom
When someone uses a serious swear like this you know they mean business. I too will leave my opponents in no doubt that they are talking to a badass muthafluffer.
Gaylord
At school we would reduce smaller boys to tears with this biting profanity. Is it homophobic? I don’t care. The LGBTQ+ community have been making our police cars gay for too long.
Winkie
A foul swear word only used by the hardest of men. Hard men like me. Men who aren’t afraid to get other people to paint over traumatised refugee children’s comforting Disney cartoons. That’s how hard I am. Fear me.
