Hollywood stars you wouldn't shag because of their shit films

14th June 2023

SOMETIMES a film is so bad you weirdly hold it against the actors. Here are some top Hollywood stars who’ve missed out on sex with you due to their poor choice of scripts.

Brie Larson

It feels a bit unfair to not shag Brie on the basis of Captain Marvel, but you still resent slogging through that half-arsed superhero movie with a leaden female empowerment message. Also Brie seems very into dreary social justice issues in real life too, so it’s probably best if she sleeps on the sofa. (You’d offer her the bed but she might shout at you for patronising her.)

Jennifer Lawrence

It’s difficult to separate Jennifer from Katniss in The Hunger Games, with the risk of remembering the unforgettable image of Peeta disguised as a rock during sex. Maybe it would work out if you were really into Young Adult Fiction, but then you’d have to shag everyone in The Maze Runner and Divergent, and no one wants that.

Jason Statham

Jase would be quite the catch at, say, a regional estate agents’ conference. But the shit films just keep on coming: Transporter 3, The Expendables 3, Gnomeo & Juliet. You could overlook his bald patch – he carries it off rather well – but you can’t overlook the upcoming Meg 2: The Trench. You’d probably have to see it with him and pretend not to be bored.

Jai Courtney

Want to be reminded of the yawn-inducing entertainment marathons that were Terminator Genisys and Suicide Squad? No? Then don’t sleep with this Australian hunk. Even a meaningless one-night stand might force you to admit to a friend: ‘I had sex with Captain Boomerang.’ It’s just not worth it.

Daisy Ridley

If you’d only seen Daisy in Murder on the Orient Express she’d be a ‘definitely’. But after the baffling mess which was The Rise of Skywalker, you’d never get round to sex because you’d be too busy asking her questions like: ‘Why has Evil Rey got pointy teeth?’

Jared Leto

Jared’s impressive handsomeness is overshadowed by his memorably awful Joker. Christ that pretentious twat wouldn’t shut up. Maybe that’s why Harley Quinn willingly underwent mind-unravelling ECT – she wanted to blot out the fact that she was going out with a massive wanker.

Alden Ehrenreich

Another victim of Disney Star Wars. The star of Solo is good-looking and quite talented, managing a decent impression of Harrison Ford during the crap prequel full of stupid continuity problems. And therein lies the problem. You’d be in the middle of foreplay when you’d blurt out: ‘Alden, stop that. I just really need to know – does an Imperial administrator just give you a name and you just keep it? Is that how it works? What if he’d called you Han No-Mates? Or Bongo Bellend?’

Megan Fox

Walking home after a romantic meal, you gaze into each other’s eyes. Your lips meet, and YOUR MIND IS FILLED WITH MASSIVE GREAT ROBOTS BATTERING THE F**K OUT OF EACH OTHER. What’s going on? Is that one Megabot? Who’s fighting who? Why is everything blowing up? Why’s that one got a sword? That ginormous robot is bigger than the car it just was! With a tear in your eye, you say farewell to Megan forever, realising it can never work with a woman who makes you think about robots with testicles.

How to take out your bitterness and envy on a friend who's bought a house

14th June 2023

HAS a friend somehow managed to buy a house? Here’s what to say to passive-aggressively share your jealousy and anger.

‘This business with mortgages and interest rates is a bit worrying’

You haven’t got a clue about mortgages or interest rates, but you’ve managed to glean that the situation isn’t ideal. Bring your friend’s mood down by mentioning it and, when they say they aren’t too worried as they’re on a fixed-term, feel even more pissed off with them as you don’t know what the f**k that means either.

‘I’m waiting for house prices to crash before I buy’

You think this is a subtle jab, suggesting that they were stupid to invest in property when the market is about to nosedive, and that you are incredibly savvy and will snap up a four-bed semi for £60,000 in a year’s time. You are wrong, and your friend knows this, but is too polite to say so.

‘Well, I guess this area is due for gentrification’

A double-whammy, as you’ve both insinuated that they’ve moved to a shithole of an area, and also that they’re about to push out locals and destroy the community with their latte-drinking, middle-class ways. The joke’s on you as the locals will be thrilled to sell their houses for an inflated price in a few years, and your friend will be at the centre of a vibrant, trendy area.

‘All you’ve got is a set of keys and a massive debt’

The gloves are off now, and you’re going in hard with the facts. While this might be technically true, they also have more security and freedom than you do in your rented hovel, and you would swap your own mother to be in hock to the bank for the next 40 years like they are.

‘I don’t want to worry you but I just saw the neighbour with a crack pipe’

This is sheer desperation, but probably the thing that will cause them the most sleepless nights. Maybe pop by and smash a window while they’re out too, for good measure. At the very least you’ll rid yourself of some of the seething resentment and fury you’re feeling.