How Harry and William will be kept out of pinching distance

THE funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh today is a sombre occasion which William and Harry cannot be allowed to ruin by pinching. Here’s how it will be avoided: 

The funeral procession

William and Harry have been carefully separated and Peter Phillips placed between them, in his official role as Princess Anne’s son in no mood for bullshit. He has been ordered not to pass on any whispered messages about who is, or is not, a ‘gaylord’.

Inside the chapel

The Dukes of Cambridge and Sussex will not be walking side-by-side to avoid any sly shin-kicks, rib-digs or pinches. Likewise they will at no point walk behind each other to avoid them deliberately stepping on the backs of each other’s shoes.

During the service

The princes will not be seated near each other and will each be by an elderly relative reminding them to stare straight ahead and not give any side-eye during the solemn occasion. If they pull faces at each other during eulogies they will not be allowed pop and crisps later.

At the wake

William and Harry will be seated on separate tables and will not be within earshot of each other during the meal following the ceremony, so neither will hear the other dropping remarks like ‘F**king Prince Netflix over there’s probably a bloody vegan now’ or ‘Princess Perfect farting rose-petals again?’

In the car park afterwards

Tanked up after drinking heavily from 4pm, the two brothers will confront each other in the car park, strip to the waist and beat the living shit out of each other, just as royal brothers have throughout English history. It’s a tradition that Prince Philip would have approved of.

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Woman can't be arsed with eating outside if it's only with her boyfriend

A WOMAN cannot be bothered to sit in the cold outside a restaurant now that restrictions have lifted if the only person eating with her is her boyfriend.

Lucy Parry’s boyfriend Jack Browne asked if she would like to go out for a romantic meal only to be informed that he is not worth freezing her tits off for.

Parry said: “If it was one of the mates that I haven’t been able to get pissed with for months asking me out to dinner, I’d be there like a shot.

“But unfortunately it’s only Jack, whose stupid face and conversation I have endured all day, every day for 12 long months.

“He might think having dinner together out of the house will give our relationship a boost, but actually I’ll just resent the fact that he’s making me eat a cold pizza in the street when I could be tucked up at home ignoring him.

“Are we happy together? Yes. It’s just that our relationship works better when we don’t see each other much.”