Friday, 14th May 2021

How Harry and William will be kept out of pinching distance

THE funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh today is a sombre occasion which William and Harry cannot be allowed to ruin by pinching. Here’s how it will be avoided: 

The funeral procession

William and Harry have been carefully separated and Peter Phillips placed between them, in his official role as Princess Anne’s son in no mood for bullshit. He has been ordered not to pass on any whispered messages about who is, or is not, a ‘gaylord’.

Inside the chapel

The Dukes of Cambridge and Sussex will not be walking side-by-side to avoid any sly shin-kicks, rib-digs or pinches. Likewise they will at no point walk behind each other to avoid them deliberately stepping on the backs of each other’s shoes.

During the service

The princes will not be seated near each other and will each be by an elderly relative reminding them to stare straight ahead and not give any side-eye during the solemn occasion. If they pull faces at each other during eulogies they will not be allowed pop and crisps later.

At the wake

William and Harry will be seated on separate tables and will not be within earshot of each other during the meal following the ceremony, so neither will hear the other dropping remarks like ‘F**king Prince Netflix over there’s probably a bloody vegan now’ or ‘Princess Perfect farting rose-petals again?’

In the car park afterwards

Tanked up after drinking heavily from 4pm, the two brothers will confront each other in the car park, strip to the waist and beat the living shit out of each other, just as royal brothers have throughout English history. It’s a tradition that Prince Philip would have approved of.