YESTERDAY’S Academy Awards have forced us all to confront the ever-present risk that Will Smith could, from nowhere, slap you across the face. Here’s how to dodge it:
Avoid live televised ceremonies
If there’s one thing Smith loves more than sudden, unexpected violence, it’s broadcasting it to a worldwide audience. So try to avoid stages, spotlights, cameras and anything else that might indicate you’re going out live to 200 countries. That’s a red rag to Will’s bull.
Read up on his family medical history
To avoid accidentally offending the Big Willie Style hitmaker, you’ll need an intimate knowledge of his family’s medical issues. Whether his wife’s alopecia, Jaden’s gut trouble or Willow’s anxiety attacks, jokes made in ignorance could see you whacked upside the head so read up now.
Don’t mention Wild Wild West
Smith turned down The Matrix to make this sci-fi Western in which he battled a giant robot spider, and he’s probably still pissed off. Even the theme tune wasn’t as good as Men In Black. Avoid negative references to it or he’ll leap from the shadows and slap shit out of you. Also avoid positive references which could only construed as sarcasm.
Sleep with his wife
Will Smith hates it when men badmouth his wife, but he has no issue with men having romantic and sexual entanglements with her. The solution is straightforward: get yourself into Will’s good books by shacking up with his old lady. The Independence Day star will find your cuckolding of him so endearing he’ll refrain from pummeling your cheeks with his palm.
Carry a mouse on your person at all times
Apparently Will has a phobia of mice, so keeping a mouse on you at all times is the perfect deterrent. If you’re out in the street and see Will Smith angrily swaggering towards you, simply pull the mouse from your pocket. His fight-or-flight reflex will force him to either flee or slap the mouse. Either way, use this time to hide behind a bin.
Wear a motorbike helmet
There comes a time in all of our lives when we have to accept that Will Smith will slap us in the face. But that doesn’t mean you can’t protect your delicate cheekbones. Do yourself a favour and shield your jaw from the unavoidable slapping it’s got coming from the former Fresh Prince.