How to casually know who Sydney Sweeney is without being a perv or anything: A guide for men

DO you want to know who Sydney Sweeney is for reasons besides the two obvious ones? Now you can chat about her non-pervily, thanks to this guide.

She’s in that Madame Web film

You know, that Spider-Man film which isn’t a proper Spider-Man film. The one that’s flopped and even female lead Dakota Johnson obviously hates. Yeah, Sydney is a superhero in that for a few seconds. They cut her doing sexy aerial acrobatics in a skintight outfit like in that advert you’ve watched a lot of times though. So don’t bother buying a cinema ticket.

Didn’t she host or was on SNL or something?

As a sophisticated man with broad and refined cultural tastes, you like to keep abreast of what’s going on across the pond. And yes, this sometimes includes dipping into the odd episode of Saturday Night Live. That’s how you’re vaguely aware that Sydney Sweeney starred in a sketch as a Hooters waitress, but you were really watching it for the alternative comedy stylings of Sarah Squirm.

Obviously she was in Euphoria and White Lotus too

Who could forget Euphoria and White Lotus? They were great shows you absolutely watched and enjoyed. Sydney Sweeney was in both of them and they helped propel her to fame. No need to bore everyone with specifics about either programme, you might spoil them for your friends who haven’t got round to them yet. Best to move quickly on.

She’s engaged to producer Jonathan Davino

You’re usually uninterested in the private lives of celebrities. But as a huge fan of Jonathan Davino, the man who of course famously produced iconic films like The Caretaker and The Players Table, this morsel of Hollywood gossip caught your attention. You definitely didn’t feel bereft after scrolling down to Sydney’s personal life section on Wikipedia to see if she was ‘available’.

Er… she features in the Mail sidebar of shame sometimes?

At least you think she does. You can’t be certain because you’re trying to read important, proper articles about Gaza and Ukraine, but the Mail Online sidebar of shame dances in your peripheral vision like an eye floater. If you’ve somehow learnt that Sydney Sweeney recently squeezed her huge naturals into a little black dress for a night out in NYC, it’s purely by osmosis.

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Why Owen Jones is leaving Labour, by someone unfortunate enough to sit next to him on a train

YEAH, that Owen Jones? Writes for the Guardian? He’s leaving Labour, I know because I was on a table seat with him, Stockport to London. Never f**king shut up.

Resigned his membership and everything, so that’s £5.71 a month they won’t be getting. But in case they fail to notice that very clear signal and don’t send Starmer straight round to ask ‘Why, Owen, why?’ he’s telling everyone, at bloody length.

So why is he leaving? Dunno. He spent most of the time from Macclesfield to Stoke-on-Trent banging on about his family history and how Labour they all were. Funny to think it ends with a bloke who’s a regular guest on the fascist pensioner’s favourite show, Jeremy Vine on 5.

Then from Stoke to Milton Kenyes he was on about the 2017 election manifesto and the promises made and broken and carefully never once mentioned Corbyn. Unless he did when I went the onboard shop for a BLT and a latte because I needed a f**king break.

Mind you he was still on about it when I got back seven quid lighter. Then he moved on to Gaza and Christ, I never thought I’d be nostalgic to hear the squeaky prick banging on about ‘fiscal rules’ but I very soon was.

We’d passed Watford by the time he stopped for a breath. I said ‘Come on, Owen. Truth is you thought Jeremy was the second coming of socialism but Britain hated the twat. Accept it and move on.’

I’ll keep my gob shut next time. He was still in full flow as I hurried away down the platform at Euston. Anyway, if anyone from Labour’s reading this, he’s pissed off. Pass it on.