How to cope with being in love with Lucy Worsley

ARE you hopelessly besotted with TV historian Lucy Worsley? It’s never going to work out, so here is a guide to coping and maybe one day moving on.

Blot out thoughts of Lucy

Be too busy to think about Ms Worsley. Work late every night (maybe till about 2am) or fill every spare moment obsessively doing weights. This is probably hugely psychologically damaging but it’s less dangerous than joining the French Foreign Legion. 

Focus on Lucy’s negative traits 

Love can blind us to another’s faults. However Lucy does not have any faults, so you’re going to have to work hard at this. Tell yourself she hasn’t done a definitive documentary series about the Battle of Stalingrad, so you’re probably not compatible.

Get a partner exactly like Lucy

Again, a challenge. You’re going to have to woo someone who looks like Lucy, studied history at Oxford, and has a successful TV career and a slight lisp. They’ll also have to tolerate you suggesting they do their hair like Lucy and walk you around National Trust properties explaining interesting historical facts. It’s a bit of an ask.

Become highly promiscuous

Try to get the love you crave by sleeping around, either with actual people or have a string of metaphorical one-night stands with other TV historians. There’s Ruth Goodman off Victorian Farm, Mary Beard, or, if you swing both ways and are into the Korean War, Max Hastings. 

Make a creepy Lucy doll 

There is nothing more healthy and normal than making a disturbing lifesize papier-mache effigy of someone who is unlikely to return your affections. With Lucy it helps if you’re well-versed in history though, because you’re going to have to carry the conversation a lot on date nights.

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'I was definitely the worst-looking one in the threesome' and other great humblebrags

THE art of the self-deprecating show-off is a subtle one. Here’s how to become pro-level at inspiring envy while remaining humble: 

‘I don’t know where he gets it from’

A time-honoured way of taking credit for your wonderful prodigy of a child’s achievements while apparently doing the opposite. Not only shoves their accomplishments in everyone’s faces, it redirects the spotlight towards you. Your friends will despise you and your nauseating pushy kids equally.

‘Not looking forward to cleaning this!’ 

The perfect Instagram caption for when you move into the kind of oversized house your parents could never afford, accompanied by loads of fish-eye shots of the spotless beige decor. Also implies that you’ll be cleaning it yourself, when of course you won’t be because you’re too busy posting on Instagram.

‘You’ve all been so generous’ 

Everyone knows that one person that relentlessly pursues sponsorship to climb a mountain, swim the Channel or paddleboard around Tierra del Fuego for charity. Selflessly seeking to give others the props for it is the perfect way to remind them that they never wanted to essentially pay you to big yourself up and will resent it forever.

‘I’ve put on so much weight’ 

People who’ve put on loads of weight don’t say this, because they’re ashamed and hope nobody notices. The objective is to make others feel bad about themselves because you’re clearly the person with the lowest BMI they know. A line best delivered when piously turning food down.

‘I was definitely the worst-looking one in the threesome’

Everyone wants a threesome. People that claim they don’t are lying. Make sure you’re in a room with the kind of people that have never had the confidence for a three-way, then boast about your insecurities because your partners were both incredibly hot. Like, really hot. ASOS model hot.