Thursday, 15th April 2021

How to cope with being in love with Lucy Worsley

ARE you hopelessly besotted with TV historian Lucy Worsley? It’s never going to work out, so here is a guide to coping and maybe one day moving on.

Blot out thoughts of Lucy

Be too busy to think about Ms Worsley. Work late every night (maybe till about 2am) or fill every spare moment obsessively doing weights. This is probably hugely psychologically damaging but it’s less dangerous than joining the French Foreign Legion. 

Focus on Lucy’s negative traits 

Love can blind us to another’s faults. However Lucy does not have any faults, so you’re going to have to work hard at this. Tell yourself she hasn’t done a definitive documentary series about the Battle of Stalingrad, so you’re probably not compatible.

Get a partner exactly like Lucy

Again, a challenge. You’re going to have to woo someone who looks like Lucy, studied history at Oxford, and has a successful TV career and a slight lisp. They’ll also have to tolerate you suggesting they do their hair like Lucy and walk you around National Trust properties explaining interesting historical facts. It’s a bit of an ask.

Become highly promiscuous

Try to get the love you crave by sleeping around, either with actual people or have a string of metaphorical one-night stands with other TV historians. There’s Ruth Goodman off Victorian Farm, Mary Beard, or, if you swing both ways and are into the Korean War, Max Hastings. 

Make a creepy Lucy doll 

There is nothing more healthy and normal than making a disturbing lifesize papier-mache effigy of someone who is unlikely to return your affections. With Lucy it helps if you’re well-versed in history though, because you’re going to have to carry the conversation a lot on date nights.