STRUGGLING to care about the official birthday portrait of Prince George? Learn how to give a toss with these tips.
Remember he’ll be king
That youthful, grinning face will be on coins and stamps one day. Even if you’re a rational-minded person who couldn’t give a f**k about the monarchy, you have to appreciate that’s pretty significant. Best to play it safe too. If he finds out you’ve been talking shit about him, he might come after you when he’s on the throne. He can still have you stretched on the rack, probably.
Pretend you know him personally
It’s borderline impossible to care about a photo of a stranger who’s done nothing and you’ll never meet. Rectify this by making up a backstory where you’re good mates who’ve shared lots of laughs and scrapes together. That’s not Prince George turning nine, it’s the G-man who you went scrumping with during lockdown. Kid’s a total mad lad.
Lower your IQ a bit
The monarchy, like religion, is the opiate of the masses. Specifically, the dumb masses. Sink to their level by getting kicked in the head by a horse or leafing through the Sun. In no time at all your IQ will have sunk low enough to find a dull picture of a boy in a blue polo neck absolutely fascinating.
Think back to your own ninth birthday
Remember how excited you used to get before your birthday? The excited, sleepless nights? The yearning for a present you’d been begging for? Take those fond memories then try to project them onto Prince George. That’s unless your ninth birthday was a crushing disappointment, in which case don’t bother. He doesn’t need your best wishes anyway, you’re a cockroach to him.
Don’t forget he’s an innocent pawn in all this
It’s easy to mock the media circus surrounding the royal family, but don’t forget Prince George is a mere nine-year-old who didn’t ask for any of this. A lifetime of scandals and blunders might lie ahead of him, but for now let him enjoy his last year of single digits. Or at the very least begrudgingly tolerate it. He’ll soon be hounded by the press over totally unremarkable activities, like drinking a beer at a party. Shocking stuff.