SOME people still think being a total knobend is a bad thing, but there’s never been a better time to make a living from being a copper-bottomed throbber. Here’s how:
Braying, whining self-pity
Everyone hates sensitive woke snowflakes, so to really up the ante you need to be the most oversensitive at all. Don’t be inhibited by shame. Really work the hypocrisy cycle of condemnation, playing the victim at the slightest pushback, exacting bitter revenge and then doing it all again next week.
Swap dog-whistle racism for referee-whistle racism
There’s no point being subtle these days, not with our prime minister out there leading the charge. Besides, your target audience aren’t going to pay you for beating around the bush. Whether travellers, refugees or Kamala Harris, say what you mean and ride the consequent outrage to a Spectator column.
Complain about being cancelled across as many media outlets as possible
After you’ve written some piece of hateful, beyond-the-pale toss, don’t just go moaning to GB News about it. Go to the Telegraph, the Mail, the BBC, Sky News and threaten legal action for your blacklisting by the all-powerful Morning Star.
Hate a hero
Being a utter wanker is a crowded field. Everyone’s jockeying to be the next Laurence Fox. To really stand out you’ve got to be the most iconoclastic, innovative, disruptive wanker out there. So go for a national hero, perhaps a recent Olympian, and smear them hard, the charity-supporting bastard. Everyone will despise you and that means? Cash.
Keep doing it forever
You can’t stop now, not when everyone’s waking up reaching for their phones eager to see how you’ve outraged them next. And in our fast-moving media age there’s always a new wrong side to be proudly on. This gravy train will never stop until you tweet something that crosses the line, get sued, get banned from Twitter and have to sell your house.