How to put the spark back into your relationship by becoming Cillian Murphy

ARE you a man who wishes your partner liked and fancied you more? Simply become a creepy carbon copy of Oppenheimer star Cillian Murphy. Here’s what you need to do.

Learn acting 

Luckily there are various routes into this. There’s local amateur dramatics but ideally you should get into drama at university like Cillian, so do another degree. Your relationship may actually suffer during this part of your transformation due to always being busy learning your lines for Our Town, but remember you’re in it for the long haul.

Plastic surgery 

You’ll need pictures of Cillian and a good plastic surgeon. And a huge loan. And months of painful recovery. But there’s no other way to get Cillian’s perfect cheekbones and masculine yet delicate good looks. There’s a strong risk of permanent disfigurement, but think how great your sex life will be once, hopefully, you turn out looking like Cillian. 

Be very intense

Around now is a good time to learn Cillian’s trademark smouldering intensity. It’s basically just staring at things without blinking, so don’t sweat it. Normally being intense is a very boring trait, but your partner won’t mind. She’s shagging Cillian f**king Murphy!

Do a zombie movie

Cillian’s breakout role was of course 28 Days Later, and you need something similar. Just don’t pick a dud. If it’s called something like Last of the Daylight and Sienna Miller is ‘attached’ it should be alright. If it’s called Kebab Shop Zombie Flesh Eaters and your co-star is James Corden, it’s going to be frighteningly shit.

Learn an Irish accent

You probably should have done this earlier, but whatever. Irish accents are easy – ask Tom Cruise. Just say ‘da’ and ‘o’ a lot, eg. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya, sor!’, which should now be your customary greeting.

Don’t sleep around

Everything should be going well at this point – your partner will probably be bringing you breakfast in bed every morning and be up for all sorts of sexual hi-jinks now you look like Cillian Murphy. The real Cillian is a settled family guy, but he probably still gets a lot of offers and you may not have his moral fibre. It’s not really improving your relationship if your partner keeps finding you in bed with slappers you met at the bus stop.

Become mates with Christopher Nolan 

A role in a Christopher Nolan film is a good way to get on the Hollywood radar. To be honest it it doesn’t really matter if it’s a confusing pile of cock like Tenet (not Tenant, by the way, morons). Your partner will be blown away anyway by going to the premiere and seeing the back of Timothée Chalamet’s head.

Go massive 

Now you just need a vaguely arty, worthy, critically-acclaimed mega-hit. People won’t be watching anything about scientists again after three hours of f**king Oppenheimer, so look out for scripts about Ben-Gurion, Roosevelt or Rommel. Your partner will enjoy sharing your success as the plaudits and awards roll in, and she’ll be especially excited after getting pissed at an awards do with Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence.

Murder the real Cillian Murphy 

Now you’re Cillian Murphy you don’t want him pinching your roles. You’ll have to murder him – a blow to the head with your Oscar for Rommel would be wonderfully ironic. You’ll need help disposing of the body, but your partner can’t really complain about sawing Cillian’s legs off after all the work you’ve put in on your relationship.

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The Post Office scandal to Jimmy Savile: All the crimes Starmer is implicated in, according to a right-winger

SIR Keir Starmer is responsible for pretty much every single crime that has ever happened. Here right-winger Roy Hobbs explains why.

Jimmy Savile

Starmer was in charge of the Crown Prosecution Service when it decided not to prosecute Jimmy Savile in 2009 due to insufficient evidence. So that obviously makes him responsible for the noncing, more responsible than Savile in fact. Look, you can argue until you’re blue in the face that he wasn’t the reviewing lawyer for the case and I won’t listen because I’m so desperate to label him a ‘nonce-lover’.

Jeffrey Epstein

Speaking of nonces, which I like to do, constantly, isn’t it a bit suspicious that Starmer’s sort-of colleague Peter Mandelson stayed at Jeffrey Epstein’s house in New York while Epstein was in prison? Makes Starmer completely guilty by association. Which doesn’t apply to me and my mate at work who’s got a 16-year-old girlfriend. Totally different situation.

The Post Office scandal

As Nigel Farage has so wisely been asking, why didn’t Starmer intervene in the Post Office scandal when he was Director of Public Prosecutions? By not visiting every single post office in Britain and personally ripping out those Horizon terminals he was basically taking the money from the sub-postmasters himself, then kicking them in the shins for good measure. What a bastard.

Loads of murders abroad

Did you know that Starmer went abroad to personally let a load of baby killers and axe murderers off the hook? No, don’t give me that about it having something to do with pro-bono work to abolish the death penalty in Caribbean nations, or that a civilised society must offer everyone a legal defence. The bloke is clearly just a sicko who loves psychopaths. And you think he’s fit to lead a political party? You’re just as bad.

Jeremy Corbyn

The most heinous offence of all. Starmer happily served on Corbyn’s frontbench, even when he was trying to bring in his nefarious plans to nationalise sausages and force us all to have free Communist broadband. It’s worse than all Starmer’s other crimes put together, which include the shooting of JFK, the Lindbergh baby kidnapping and my neighbour’s car being nicked. Honestly, this country has gone to the dogs, and he’s not even prime minister yet.