THERE’S nothing the country’s most popular hate rag enjoys more than a Diana story. Here’s how its soulless hacks will misinterpret the statue unveiling to fit its agenda.
Analyse William and Harry
What could their stoic, mournful expressions mean? Is it because they’re unveiling a memorial statue of their tragically departed mother, or is it because of the gaping rift that’s growing between them? We’ll blindly assume the latter because that will generate more clicks on our godawful site.
Study the statue’s expression
Is she smiling? We’ll read that as a mocking jibe at Charles. Is she solemn? We’ll twist that to mean she’s disapproving of Harry’s move to the States. We’ll only begrudgingly give the statue a pass if it’s sculpted to look like Diana is excitedly reading the Mail and giving it a big thumbs-up.
Judge the statue by its words and actions
The Mail’s assessment of character is f**ked at the best of times, but when applied to an inanimate object it completely breaks down. Rather than appreciating the statue as a legacy of the People’s Princess, Mail hacks will wonder why it’s acting so cold and aloof. Does this statue think it’s better than us or something?
Bring Meghan into it
It wouldn’t be a Mail story about the Royals without crowbarring a negative opinion about Meghan into it. Expect her conspicuous absence to be picked apart in forensic detail, even though she’s looking after her newborn so hopping on a long-haul flight might not be the best idea. Kate won’t be attending either but oddly that’s not a big deal to the Mail.
Just make shit up
When all else fails, or if it’s just a slow news day, expect the Mail to flat out make shit up for attention. Headlines relating it to the Edward Colston statue and the ongoing culture war are probably already typed up and raring to go. And if they can somehow tie it into immigration we’ll never hear the end of it.