THERE is nothing more annoying than lying awake in bed wide awake because your brain won’t shut the f**k up. You’re probably thinking about some of these things…
To wee or not to wee
I am not sure I really need a wee, so I’ll have an hour-long debate about whether I really need one before getting up and having the damn wee anyway.
Whether the work email you sent sounded okay
I’m sure it sounded rude. Did I add too many exclamation marks? I’ll just get up and take a look in my sent box, decide it IS bad, then lie awake worrying about it for the rest of the night.
Peppa Pig theme tune
On a loop. Why this? Why now? It could be worse, it could be Mr Tumble.
How many hours of sleep you will get tonight
Four hours! How am I supposed to manage on four hours… now three hours… two? F**k, is that the alarm?
Have I got Covid?
I definitely coughed a few times earlier and my throat has been a bit sore. Maybe I should google the symptoms for the 1,000th time then decide I have all of them.
Are the kids okay?
Should you go and check on them? Yes. Sure, they were fine when you tucked them in but maybe just check again just in case. You’d feel awful if they were sick and you hadn’t gone to check on them.
Whether you can die of sleep deprivation
I’m so tired? What will happen if I never sleep again? I’ll probably die. I’ll google it now. That’s a great idea.
What to make for dinner tomorrow
Jacket potatoes? But we had those today. Is it okay to have jacket potatoes two days in a row? Who knows or cares, just go the f**k to sleep.
All the stuff
But what about the stuff. Then the other stuff and more stuff. Oh and that bit of stuff you thought you’d forgotten about.
Do fish vomit?
Right, brain you’re just being a dick now.
But can they?
F**k off and let me sleep.