I have been arrested and fired. Next, I hope to be killed, by Laurence Fox

THEY have come for me at last. The stormtroopers of wokery in my home and firing me from my job. Surely it is only weeks before they give me the death I crave.

For since I began my ludicrous crusade for values I do not even pretend I understand – what is it this week, pro-car and pro-misogyny? – I have known my path led to the tomb.

The Woke would allow no other outcome. Was it coincidence that just two months after my truth-telling appearance on Question Time, Britain went into lockdown?

They shut down the world to silence me, but yet I spoke. I opposed lockdown, I opposed the vaccine, I opposed Black Lives Matter, I opposed Pride, I opposed anything they were for because therein lies true integrity.

And so yesterday they struck. GB News fired me and my flat was ransacked on the pretext of my being leader of the Blade Runners, those selfless warriors against ULEZ, appearing only on their wrist-screens wearing a metal mask. They found the mask.

I will be arrested, charged and, after a court hearing with a blue-haired non-binary capital-B Black judge, sentenced to crucifixion. They shall take me up the hill where the Metric Martyr’s stone still stands.

Proving me right once and for all, they will kill me. But my legend shall spread, and the old will rise up against the young, and the forces of wokery shall be defeated forever.

Make the monument you build to my passing large. Mention Lewis on it.

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What Jesus really meant, by Calvin Robinson the GB News vicar

LIKE Judas, GB News has betrayed me, but that won’t stop me spreading the word of Jesus, who was surprisingly pro-Brexit and anti-woke. Here’s how to properly understand his teachings.

‘Love your neighbour as yourself’

Jesus is clearly using ‘neighbour’ in the modern sense meaning ‘married bloke next door with two kids and an Audi’. He doesn’t mention asylum seekers, so it’s safe to assume he wants them deported because they don’t share traditional Nazarethian values. 

‘You shall not commit adultery’

Obviously there’s some leeway here for a noble Brexiter like Boris Johnson, who only commits normal heterosexual adultery. Sex-wise it’s only really male gays Jesus has a problem with – not the sexy lady gays – because of their sickening, unnatural acts in public toilets. No offence to my former colleague, the Sodomite Dan Wootton, by the way.

The Temptation of Christ

This Bible story is even more relevant after Brexit. Jesus (Britain) is tempted by the Devil (the EU) in the desert (the single market) but in the end Jesus wins the spiritual battle (the 2016 referendum). I’ve always felt Jesus was a Brexiter, because his whole existence is based on blind faith rather than evidence. 

The Feeding of the 5,000

Using just two loaves and five fishes, Jesus fed all those people – and without tiny portions or making soup! The message is clear – vegans will go to Hell. Their faddish woke diets will result in an eternity of being buggered with red-hot carrots, courgettes and cucumbers. It’s harsh, but they had plenty of chances to eat meat like normal people instead of being drug-addled eco-zealots.

‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick’

Laymen without my rigorous theological training assume this must be about sinners, but Jesus is actually calling for private healthcare as favoured by the current Tory government. It’s all there in the original Aramaic.

Mary Magdalene washing Jesus’ feet

Long story short: a sinful woman washed Jesus’ feet and he forgave her. The crucial thing here is that it was a woman, not a transgender woman. Jesus was all about the love, but he’d have run a mile if it was some bloody great hairy bloke with tits.

‘Give to everyone who begs from you’

A common mistranslation that should actually read: ‘Don’t give them a penny, they’re just lazy or on heroin and some of them make 65,000 gold pieces a year from begging.’ Jesus’ actual views on beggars were similar to those of my former colleague Lee AndersonMP , who feels the army should use them for bayonet practise.

The Resurrection

I interpret this not only as the ultimate sacrifice by Jesus to wash away mankind’s sins, but also a lesson in how we can all bounce back when things have gone severely tits-up. I’m hoping Talk TV needs a bogus vicar who’s weirdly into Brexit, so could you sort that out with a quick miracle, Jesus? Cheers.