I just have so much love to give the world, says Murdoch

RUPERT Murdoch is to marry for the fifth time, aged 92, because he still has so much love to reward the world with. 

The 92-year-old billionaire and media mogul is engaged again, a year after his fourth divorce, because he is brimming over with love and happiness which it would be wrong not to share.

He said: “When people think Murdoch, they think love. They think kindness. They think of opening your heart to everyone, no matter what their colour, creed or past misdeeds.

“And so when I unaccountably found myself single when I still had so much to offer, I admit I was afraid. That I could become twisted, vicious, vengeful, a monstrous creature who leveraged division and difference to needlessly hurt others.

“But, as it always does for Rupe, love triumphed. The endless wellspring of compassion within me is once again overflowing, and I shall not selfishly hoard my benevolence but will share it with the world through my newspapers and television stations.

“I am to be married, and the whole world rejoices with me. As it did in the Sun during the Thatcher years, as it does for the US and Fox News, love shall reign o’er all.”

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “Gosh. Goes to show that good things really do happen to good people.”

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Women confident menstruation will be fixed in evolution's next update

WOMEN are confident that the major design flaw of menstruation will be scrapped in evolution’s next big patch to humanity. 

Clearly the work of an all-male development team, women believe that the painful, messy and frankly sexist function will be replaced by something altogether more suitable in short order.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The feedback we’ve received is that women don’t like spontaneously bleeding out of their vaginas for up to a week each month for 40 years.

“Fair enough. Also they’re not keen on the headaches, bloating, bad skin and sore boobs that accompany it. Looking at it objectively, as a man, I can see their point.

“We’re hoping that evolution will take notice and come up with something much more palatable. Ideally something that causes no inconvenience or pain whatsoever, which may sound like too much to ask for but is, as has been pointed out to me, the deal men get.”

Emma Bradford of Ludlow said: “No blood, no tampons, no cramps, no mood swings and clearly timed periods of fertility would all be on my wish list.

“But honestly pretty much anything would be better. It’s a f**king mess.”