'I will do pantomime,' threatens Spacey

KEVIN Spacey has warned Britain that if he is not given major movie or theatre roles within the next six months he will turn up in pantomime.

The disgraced former A-lister told Britain it has until autumn to secure him a part as a villain in a blockbuster, the lead in a sensitive arthouse film or a role in a Pinter play in the West End before he appears at a regional theatre near them.

He said: “Don’t think I won’t play King Rat at Nottingham Theatre Royal. Because I will, and you’ll pay to see it.

“I’ve got the skillset: I live here, I’m familiar with your horrible culture, I’m in need of money. I could even take it far too seriously and convince myself I’m performing in the grand tradition of commedia dell’arte if I have to.

“What, you’ll think you’ll take the moral high ground when Keyser Soze – spoilers, motherf**kers – is treading the boards near you? You people watched Leslie Grantham in panto after panto and he was a convicted murderer.

“So unless you want to explain to your children exactly why everybody’s afraid of the bad man on stage, I recommend you get me cast in a prestige period drama immediately. Dickens as my preference, though I’ll accept Austen despite it being for girls.”

Casting director Helen Archer said: “I’ve seen his acting in House of Cards, and he’s panto-ready. This is no idle threat.”

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