'I wore Heelys,' admits Captain Tom

CAPTAIN Sir Tom Moore has admitted that his fundraising walk around his own garden was only completed using Heelys. 

The war veteran, due to receive his knighthood from the Queen today, confessed that he used the wheeled shoes to make his charity walk easier and should really hand the money back.

He said: “It was only intended to raise a few hundred quid. I didn’t think anyone would notice.

“I’m 99 years old, for Christ’s sake. You can’t expect me to endlessly walk around my own garden without a bit of help.

“Every time the press popped round to film me I made sure it looked like I was making an effort. But when the cameras stopped rolling I threw my walking frame aside, leant back on my heels and coasted my way to the target.

“As the donations shot up past £100K I started to worry. Lying to GMTV’s one thing, everybody does that, but lying to the monarch of the realm? Unforgivable.”

Her Majesty said: “Bloody Heelys? Sickening. On reflection, it would have been better if Hitler won the war.”

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Parents given lavish end-of-term gifts by teachers

PARENTS have been given end-of-term gifts of wine and chocolates by teachers to show their gratitude for parents having done their jobs for free since March. 

Maths teacher Helen Archer said: “We had a whip-round and bought all the parents who’ve actually bothered with homeschooling a few little tokens. Well it’s the least we could do.

“Parents do much for us, every day. Such valuable work! Well, in this case, all our work, unpaid. Plus all their work. Mums only, of course. Dads have been largely exempt.

“We’ve been thinking of them all and what they’ve gone through so much. Imagine trying to get Felix to understand fractions without even a pay cheque at the end of the month.

“We did do school reports recently but they were basically the written equivalent of a shrug. We can’t even remember who the kids are. They’re basically just short blobs with rucksacks.

“Anyway, I’ve bought each of the parents a box of Ferrero Rocher. It’s a small gesture of appreciation for what they’ve done these last few months while most of us have been off work on full pay.”

Mother-of-three Joanna Kramer said: “I’ve been given four bottles of wine and I’m drinking them all tonight. Is this what being a teacher’s like?”