subscribe
/ Sign Out

'If it's such a burden why do they live well into their 90s?' wonders traitorous shitheap

A VILE traitor and sack of shit has asked why being a senior royal is always described as a ‘burden’ given their tendency to thrive to a ripe old age. 

Malcontent Tom Logan, who must be shunned like a Nazi letting agent, said: “If someone offered me huge houses, limousines, an army of servants and all the horses you can eat, I would ask ‘what’s the catch?’

“If I was told that two or three times a week I’d have to meet some strangers and or prime ministers and ask them fairly innocuous questions, that would not correspond with my definition of ‘burden’.

“Like any sane person, I do not want to meet Liz Truss – not even for eight seconds, never mind every f**king Wednesday – but I could cope if I had to.”

Logan added, like the turd in life’s fruit bowl he is: “Working in a steel mill or a coal mine does seem to be more of a ‘burden’. Something confirmed by the fact that very few of those poor buggers make it to 80.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Olivia Wilde and Florence Pugh: Which celebrity feuds do you not give a shit about?

HIGH-PROFILE celebrity feuds dominate media, social media, and the inside of morons’ heads. You couldn’t care less about these: 

Olivia Wilde and Florence Pugh

Impossible to completely escape due to cultural osmosis. This feud involves Harry Styles, his main chick, leaked audio and someone not spitting on someone else. The only reason you’d care about this would be if you were a 14-year-old Styles obsessive or if it had been a really slow news week. And, perhaps you haven’t noticed, but that is not the case.

Noel and Liam Gallagher

The Gallagher brothers have been slagging each other off since they learnt how to talk. To people who came of age during the ’90s and built their musical taste around two alright albums and a slow decline, this bitter relationship is fascinating. To normal people it’s f**king boring because they’ve got their own siblings to fight.

Kanye West and Taylor Swift

This feud can be traced back to an award ceremony where Kanye West stormed the stage and ruined Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. It was big news at the time, but that was when the Western world hadn’t slipped into steady decline. These days it would be processed and forgotten about in the time it takes to write a funny tweet.

Cardi B and Nicki Minaj

Two rival female rappers, neither of which you’re familiar with, sparred with each other digitally before one of them threw a shoe at the other. Hardly compares to Tupac getting pumped with lead by an unknown gunman, which is why you’ve never bothered to look into it.

Vin Diesel and The Rock

Things have got so tense between these bald bastards that The Rock has refused to return to the Fast and the Furious franchise. This is a devastating loss for people who think CGI cars zooming through the sky is the height of cinema. F**k knows why the two so-called actors fell out, life’s too short even to Google it.

Next story ›