APARTMENTS are an almost affordable way to live by yourself, as long as you don’t mind major compromises to your quality of life:
Neighbours going at it
What’s that repetitive, thumping sound coming from upstairs? Could it be your neighbours hammering a nail into the wall? No, that would void their deposit, and why would they do that three times a week? Whatever it is, it sounds both painful and exhausting. Never seems to last more than 10 minutes though.
The kitchen being in the front room
Being able to access the fridge from your couch might sound like the dream, but not if you’re paying £1,200 per calendar month for the privilege (bills, council tax and service charge not included). Downsize to something even cheaper like a shared house, or a bedsit where you can reach the toilet in two steps from your bed.
Smelling the neighbour’s cooking
What’s that fragrant odour wafting down the corridor and seeping into your carpets, clothes and soft furnishings? Why it’s number 36’s dinner of microwaved curried sardines and pickled eggs. You could always try and mask the stench with a scented candle, but that would instantly set off your flat’s hypersensitive smoke alarm.
Difficulties keeping pets
Landlords are usually opposed to pets because they’ll claw at the sofa and shit on the floor. It’s as if dogs and cats were never domesticated to the extent of a pokey Zone 5 rental that doesn’t get any natural light. Quite why they won’t let you keep a fish though is a mystery. They do f**k all and do it in clean.
Hosting a party in an apartment is impossible, and not just because you can only squeeze in three guests before you reach capacity. With walls that have the density of cardboard, it’s impossible to put on banging hip-hop without residents complaining to the police about unsociable noise levels. Just as well you don’t have any friends, then.