The kitchen's in the front room: the joys of apartment living

APARTMENTS are an almost affordable way to live by yourself, as long as you don’t mind major compromises to your quality of life:

Neighbours going at it

What’s that repetitive, thumping sound coming from upstairs? Could it be your neighbours hammering a nail into the wall? No, that would void their deposit, and why would they do that three times a week? Whatever it is, it sounds both painful and exhausting. Never seems to last more than 10 minutes though.

The kitchen being in the front room

Being able to access the fridge from your couch might sound like the dream, but not if you’re paying £1,200 per calendar month for the privilege (bills, council tax and service charge not included). Downsize to something even cheaper like a shared house, or a bedsit where you can reach the toilet in two steps from your bed. 

Smelling the neighbour’s cooking

What’s that fragrant odour wafting down the corridor and seeping into your carpets, clothes and soft furnishings? Why it’s number 36’s dinner of microwaved curried sardines and pickled eggs. You could always try and mask the stench with a scented candle, but that would instantly set off your flat’s hypersensitive smoke alarm.

Difficulties keeping pets

Landlords are usually opposed to pets because they’ll claw at the sofa and shit on the floor. It’s as if dogs and cats were never domesticated to the extent of a pokey Zone 5 rental that doesn’t get any natural light. Quite why they won’t let you keep a fish though is a mystery. They do f**k all and do it in clean.

No parties

Hosting a party in an apartment is impossible, and not just because you can only squeeze in three guests before you reach capacity. With walls that have the density of cardboard, it’s impossible to put on banging hip-hop without residents complaining to the police about unsociable noise levels. Just as well you don’t have any friends, then.

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Homeworker unwilling to discuss what he was doing when he heard

A HOMEWORKER is refusing to answer questions about where he was and what he was doing when he heard the tragic news.

Web designer Oliver O’Connor, aged 28, was asked by family what activity he was occupied with when the news of Her Majesty’s passing shocked a nation, and has only answered ‘er yeah, I think I was upstairs’.

He said: “Well I didn’t know it was imminent. I thought we had a few more days.

“I’d had a bloody long afternoon dealing with clients changing their briefs every five minutes. I was waiting for the sign-off email, and so I was just… relaxing.

“And because it’s still bright in the evenings and my flat’s on a main road, I was relaxing in the bedroom with the curtains closed and having a break from social media and the news for a little bit. Just 10 minutes or so, while I watched something on, er, YouTube.

“I did notice that the radio had stopped playing music for some sort of announcement and the notifications on my phone were going mental, but I was at a very absorbing bit in my video so thought I might as well finish. Which I did.

“So yeah, I was just, y’know, indisposed at that particular crucial time for the nation. F**king hell. I wonder if there were people doing that when Kennedy got shot?”