Only eighth in line now, muses Andrew

PRINCE Andrew has reflected that the tragic loss of his mother now means he is only seven further unexpected losses away from becoming King.

The Duke of York cannot help but muse that notwithstanding his issues with public perception, the hereditary principle continues to operate regardless.

He said: “Of course, should a terrible and scarcely credible sequence of events take place, none of what I said to the Maitlis woman would matter. I would still be crowned.

“It would make no difference if newspapers said I should be exiled from public life, or naysayers doubted my alibis, or if Americans called me a ‘nonce’.

“The throne is indifferent to such trifles. It stands waiting for the next in line, whoever he or she may be. Whether second in line, as I was for more than two decades between 1960 and 1982, or eighth as I am today.

“I find myself tortured by thoughts of illness or accidents befalling my older brother and his descendants. People, even if Royal, are so fragile and the world so capricious and harsh.

“I am resolved that, no matter what, I shall do my duty. Only eighth now. Mm.”

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18 things that are what she would have wanted

HER Majesty the Queen was a woman perfectly in tune with her nation and the nation was in tune with her. She would have wanted us to do all these things:

To have a gin in her memory tonight, and tomorrow night, and throughout the mourning period

To bet on the racing at Chepstow tomorrow

To find Royal correspondents contemptible

To sit about not doing a great deal, being waited on hand and foot

To binge watch House of the Dragon and/or Rings of Power in appreciation of the grandeur of monarchy

To renounce all other Kings and Queens as foreign abominations appointed not by God but by His dark reflection Satan, especially the Belgian ones

To put up with the cancellation of football matches which she gave not a bugger about

To gather at Buckingham Palace where she did not live and not to clutter about outside her real house, Windsor Castle

To wait a discreet few days before beginning the epic, lifelong castigation of the Duchess of Sussex

To wish her eldest son the best while expecting to be disappointed

To consume only products that are By Royal Appointment, including Golden Syrup, Quaker Oats, Tabasco sauce and Twinings Breakfast Tea

To watch Frozen Planet II with fellow national treasure Sir David Attenborough on Sunday night

To treat Australians and Canadians as real people and their countries as valid

To unveil a plaque outside a public building

To wear an outfit once and then put it in the wardrobe forever

To forthrightly tell prime ministers what you really think of them and their idiot plans for your country

To say the right thing in public and only say what you really think on the group chat

To have a day off week after next