Man wondering if he can have a swan now

A MAN is wondering if he is allowed to have a swan now or if they have immediately passed to King Charles.

Nathan Muir, from Nailsworth, would like to know if the long-necked waterfowl are going spare and if he can take one home from his local river as a pet.

Muir said: “Everyone knows the Queen owned all the swans, but is Charles really going to want them? Her Royal Highness was a well-known animal lover, whereas he’s more into hippy shit like homeopathy and organic farming.

“Also, he’s going to be too busy learning how to be King to bother faffing around with birds. He’s got to practice his wave and train himself to stop trying to influence government policy and saying weird things about tampons.

“So I’ll just nab a swan from the stream round the back of Tesco and take it home for the pond in my garden. It’ll look well classy next to the novelty nude garden gnome.

“I know it might attack me, but, now the Queen’s gone, am I allowed to whack it on the beak with a shoe if it does? Only seems fair.”

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America losing its shit way more than we are

THE USA has launched into a frenzy of grief and mourning over the Queen’s passing that far outweighs our own, it has emerged.

Royalist Americans are wailing in despair following the loss of a figure their country formally rejected but is the only thing about Britain they have actually heard of.

Jo Ann Kramer of Miami said: “Okay, so we have to clear the streets. Shut Disneyland. Close all the bars, and digitally add black armbands to reruns of the Friends London episodes.

“That’s what they’re doing in Britain, and we’re not being outmourned by a bunch of limey losers. Also it’s not respectful for Joe Biden to stay president because he’s Irish. She loved Trump so he needs to come back.”

Wayne Hayes of Harrisburg said: “We gotta start burning shit. Like this was the goddamn Queen, man. We need to make funeral pyres of at least three, four major East Coast urban centres that they can see from Europe, beginning with Boston.

“Also if you don’t sign a condolence book, and I mean in person, you lose your citizenship. Plus make Harry Prince of California and give him uncontested mining and solar rights.”

Jared Washington III, of Texas, agreed: “Could we renounce independence as a tribute to Her Maj? Just until the funeral at least. She would have loved that. Or maybe become a province of Canada?”