Nation agrees that it would be a fitting tribute if Charles were to abdicate

THE UK has agreed that the perfect way for King Charles to honour his late mother would be to abdicate.

King Charles III, whose reign will be lucky if it sees a mere Silver Jubilee, is so manifestly in the shadow of perhaps the greatest monarch the country has ever known that it seems an appropriate gesture to step down now.

Royal expert Denys Finch Hatton said: “There is no shame in folding when one is holding a losing hand. Indeed, one can leave the table head held high.

“Technically Charles is King now, but there has yet to be a coronation. And need there be? Or can the former Prince of Wales be persuaded that Wales is about his limit?

“Like The Stone Roses post-John Squire, like The X-Files post-David Duchovny, like Manchester United post-Ferguson, sometimes it’s wiser to concede you’re no replacement for absolute perfection.

“None of us will hold it against you. We’ll admire you all the more for your courage and realism. At least William’s got time to grow into the role.”

He added: “And sir, if I can be so bold, you may take your Queen Consort with you.”

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Man planning his own 21-gun salute with airbombs while hammered

A MAN is planning his own 21-gun salute to the Queen which will take place at midnight, in his garden, blind drunk and lighting fireworks. 

Steve Malley, aged 39, loved the late Elizabeth II and believes his neighbours in the suburbs of Selly Oak will appreciate his 21-airbomb salute in celebration of the reign of a woman who served her nation selflessly.

He said: “It might be more than 21 if I’m honest. In which case it’ll be even more respectful.

“What I’m planning is to get buzzed in front of the telly and get good and patriotic with all these tributes that are on, then when it’s gone dark and winding down I’ll stagger out to the garden.

“Then I’ll get the airbombs out of the garage – proper big bangs they make, Chinese-made, not your weak British crap – set them up in rows and light them three at a time.

“After each salvo I’ll stand back, salute, shout ‘God save the Queen!’ at the top of my voice and let the tears stream down my cheeks. I’m always weepy after 12 Stellas. It’s a wonderful tribute representing the whole nation, or at least that bit of it that’s round here.”

Neighbour Margaret Gerving said: “Oh, it’s for Her Majesty this time is it? Because he does this about every six weeks.”