News unrelated to Queen irrelevant and offensive

WORLD events which have nothing to do with the Queen are not to be reported because they are insignificant and impertinent, the British media has confirmed. 

Though they are rudely still happening, unfolding global events unrelated to the tragic loss of Elizabeth II are banned from British media due to their problematic and inconsequential nature.

News editor Norman Steele said: “A reverential world would come to a halt for the next ten days while Britain is in mourning. We won’t broadcast anything that can’t be worked into our rolling news packages of grief.

“Any reporting on the war in Ukraine or floods in Pakistan would see us inundated with complaints from outraged royalists. In their eyes these stories are trivial in comparison, and mentioning them would be a gross sign of disregard.

“We will be playing it safe by training our cameras on the gates outside Buckingham Palace and Balmoral until we get the all-clear. Even then we’ll tread carefully by regularly cutting back to the gates in case there’s been an update.”

Viewer Martin Bishop from Stevenage said: “I don’t care if a nuclear warhead is heading straight for London. If the four-minute warning interrupts our gloomy pageantry I’m writing a stiff letter to Ofcom.”

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Stamps at half-mast

POSTAGE stamps with the Queen’s face on them have been lowered to half-mast as a mark of respect.

Following the announcement of the death of Her Majesty, the adhesive squares usually stuck on the top right corners of envelopes have been solemnly dropped to half-mast in tribute, according to tradition.

Onlooker Mary Fisher said: “I’d been waiting outside the gates of Buckingham Palace once I’d heard she wasn’t well. When the guards came out and commenced the ceremonial lowering of the stamps, I knew it was the end of an era.

“Throughout the country every Post Office has followed protocol, even the ones in WH Smith. It’s reassuring to know that despite everything – the Sex Pistols, Nintendo Gameboys, Naked Attraction on Channel 4 – the country retains tradition and composure.”

Royalist Denys Finch-Hatton said: “It’s this sort of pageantry, even during a tragedy, which Britain excels at. Everywhere you go, people are folding their banknotes lengthways so they too are commemorating the passing of an icon.

“In the run up to the state funeral expect to see the Royal Navy fire a 21-corgi salute, a condolence book posted to everyone celebrating their 100th birthday and a flypast by the Royal yacht. It’s what makes us great as a nation.”