History knackering to live through

LIVING through monumental historical events is exhausting because they all happen at f**king once, Britain has agreed.

After a week that has seen massive changes in public life, which themselves have followed years of apparently once-in-a-lifetime events, Britons have agreed that history is tiring to actually attend and they could do with a few years off.

Tom Logan of Cardiff said: “History was dull as dogshit at school. But now I’m living through it in real time it’s actually demoralising and knackering, which is worse.

“Rather than being able to skim over tedious paragraphs about economic collapse and get straight to the good stuff like the Swinging Sixties, I’ve had to experience every grim development that’s happened recently firsthand. It would be great to have a day off.”

32-year-old Nikki Hollis from Sheffield said: “When the credit crunch happened I thought that was my little slice of history. Then Brexit and the three prime ministers it’s toppled in six years, then Trump, then the pandemic, and now I realise 2008 was the appetiser before the frantic main course.

“What I wouldn’t give to live through a nice boring year like 1995 when Blur vs Oasis was the main news event. Instead of the never-ending tumble into everything being f**king awful forever.”

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God Save The King, and other things it'll take a while to get used to

WITH Charles becoming King, lots of previously unquestioned aspects of British life will change. These five will take some getting used to: 

God Save The King

This line from the national anthem has to change to fit the monarch, but it’s been so long since Britain has had a King that the public will be getting it wrong until 2030. Although given that it’s male heirs for the foreseeable future we’ll get the hang of it eventually around when the country falls into the sea.

Charles on money and stamps

For as long as anyone alive can remember, the Queen has looked back at you as you pay for a packet of fags or post a Christmas card to someone you stopped talking to decades ago. Her absence on these occasions will be unsettling, even though you only pay by contactless and send cards via Moonpig.

The King’s Speech at Christmas

Standing bolt upright and saluting the TV when the Queen’s Speech came on used to be the highlight of your grandparent’s Christmas, after they’d had a good whinge about you watching the Top of the Pops Special. Charles droning on about modern architecture or antibiotic-resistant bacteria won’t be the same, although you’ll be too busy scrolling on your phone to notice.

‘The third’

King Charles sounds weird enough in itself, but royal experts will remind you he is the third one in order to justify their job. It’s a bizarre reminder that the royal family is genetically linked to all those names in history books, and aren’t just rich people who could bring in more money than tourism by digging deep once in a while.

Queen Camilla

Technically she’ll be the Queen Consort, but the word ‘Camilla’ next to the word ‘Queen’ doesn’t sit right. In your mind the Queen – the proper one the country had for decades – is the Queen, not this upstart. Yes, you’ve known this was coming for years, but it’s still weird. Though a Queen consort that likes a fag is representing Britain pretty ably.