THE cancellation of I’m A Celebrity has proven once and for all that Wales is more hostile to human life than the deep Australian jungle.
The show has already lost a contestant before it was forced off air by Storm Arwen and may not be able to return because Wales is simply not survivable and it is foolish to attempt it.
Ant, from Ant and Dec, said: “In the Australian jungle we were in an uninhabited region 50 miles from the nearest town, packed with venomous snakes and deadly spiders. Humans weren’t meant to live there. On your own you’d be dead in a week.
“So when we were forced to film in Britain we thought we’d go somewhere equally inhospitable. But we never imagined this.
“In the jungle they’re camped in the open. Here, even protected by thick castle walls, we were looking at eleven dead celebrities over one November weekend.
“We underestimated Wales. Only the Antarctic and the Sahara desert are more bitterly opposed to life. I salute the amphibious vowelless semi-humans who cling to existence here. And I fear them.
“The crew and I are preparing to escape. We may lose a few celebrities in the attempt – Simon Gregson, probably – but we believe we can make it over the border. God willing.”
Richard Madeley said: “I escaped by faking illness. The rest of them are doomed.”