SARAH Ferguson needs stuff and is not afraid to repeatedly hassle anyone in a better position than her for help. Are you at risk of being her next target? 

What properties do you own? 

Fergie has previously targeted those with English country houses, French vineyards, and Manhattan apartments that she can occupy rent-free for a few months while complaining about the quality of the staff. However, a recent decline in her living conditions means nobody with a spare room in their three-bed semi in Swindon is safe. ‘It’ll only be a few months!’

What business experience do you have? 

Like many covertly after your cash, Fergie may approach under the guise of wanting business advice. Previously she approached credulous American billionaires, but today? Even the owner of a Crewe off licence may receive an email saying ‘u r sooo good at business, can u hlep launch mine? needs £200,000 seed capital’.

Do you do any charity work? 

Fergie loves a bit of charity work because it means she can fly first-class anywhere and claim it as promotional expenses. If you do so much as volunteer for Macmillan one morning a fortnight, she’ll be in your DMs asking ‘any chance u culd put in word for me with the board? i’m very persuasive with investors. pls I need this’.

Have you ever mentioned your house is in a state? 

The woman who emailed Epstein ‘I am wanting to work for you at organising your houses’ won’t miss an opportunity like this. Having run multiple households, she considers herself an expert at giving orders to your staff for a stipend of not more than £1m a year. You don’t have staff? How do you live?

Do you have a job? 

You work? And earn money from doing so? This is considered basically unfair by Fergie, who is unable to because of a lack of skills, experience and motivation coupled with a surfeit of breeding. Consequently, she feels it only just that you tithe 33 per cent of your earnings as the night manager of a drive-thru McDonald’s to her. It’s how the aristocracy functions.