I'm your father now, Trump tells Meghan

DONALD Trump has selflessly stepped in to replace Meghan Markle’s father at her wedding this weekend. 

The president, who did not frame his offer as a choice, will ride in a golden carriage to the ceremony, walk Miss Markle down the aisle, then deliver one of his famous rambling, lunatic speeches. 

He said: “She got lucky. Okay? She probably doesn’t even know how lucky she got, getting Trump. 

“Her father’s a bum. He voted Hillary I hear, like a loser. I’ve adopted Meghan now. She’s like the black Ivanka. Harry might marry Ivanka next. 

“They say I’m giving her away. I’m not giving her away. Obama would give her away but I’m negotiating a fee. They offered Scotland but I own it already. 

“Your Queen asked me. She said she needed the boost to the TV ratings. She loved me in Home Alone 2. We have great chemistry.”

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Useful things Meghan Markle could have bought instead of her wedding dress

AS the world waits to see Meghan’s wedding dress we look at other things that cost £300,000, such as a four bedroom house in Scotland.

333,334 Greggs sausage rolls

If Meghan wants to ingratiate herself with the UK public, she could do worse than giving away delicious meat ‘n’ pastry treats from the popular grease purveyor. However there wouldn’t be enough for everyone, so it might start a revolution.

A panic room

For getting away from people who obsess over the Royal Family as if they were actually ordained by God, rather than a piece of historical theatre that should probably end before Charles gets a go. Also good for hiding from Prince Philip.

A remote Hebridean island

It will be in the arse end of nowhere and fucking freezing all year round, but it’s still your own private island! Though having said that, Meghan’s new nan practically owns the Commonwealth, so the novelty appeal is actually quite limited.

Rolls Royce Phantom

It’s as much of a British icon as Princess Diana, who you will NEVER, EVER be (as the Daily Express will subtly remind you, forever).