DONALD Trump has selflessly stepped in to replace Meghan Markle’s father at her wedding this weekend.
The president, who did not frame his offer as a choice, will ride in a golden carriage to the ceremony, walk Miss Markle down the aisle, then deliver one of his famous rambling, lunatic speeches.
He said: “She got lucky. Okay? She probably doesn’t even know how lucky she got, getting Trump.
“Her father’s a bum. He voted Hillary I hear, like a loser. I’ve adopted Meghan now. She’s like the black Ivanka. Harry might marry Ivanka next.
“They say I’m giving her away. I’m not giving her away. Obama would give her away but I’m negotiating a fee. They offered Scotland but I own it already.
“Your Queen asked me. She said she needed the boost to the TV ratings. She loved me in Home Alone 2. We have great chemistry.”