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'In this new fake relationship, I have finally found real fake happiness'

TOM Cruise has announced that his new fake love with Ana de Armas is the truest fake love he has ever known, and he hopes they will pretend to be together forever. 

The Mission Impossible star said he has never found any previous contractual relationship for publicity with a co-star as fraudulently fulfilling, and he hopes it shows in his performance.

He said: “In my life I’ve been blessed with the bogus love of so many beautiful women who never discuss it afterwards under threat of a NDA.

“Rebecca DeMornay, Penelope Cruz, Cher, and or course my three marriages, none of which was in the least convincing. But I really feel Ana is the one, and I know she is preparing for an Oscar run by feeling the same.

“The 26-year age gap doesn’t matter at all because we’re not really a couple. But we’re both private people so don’t expect to see us together very often, except at specific photo opportunities attended by invited members of the paparazzi.

“She’s perfect for me, in that she’s trying to boost a flailing career and is slightly shorter. I will take no further questions.”

Helen Archer of Croydon said: “I admit I’m surprised. Normally he chooses someone who can act.”

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Five romantic locations for couples to scroll their phones together in awkward silence

LOOKING for a beautiful backdrop to ignore your partner while you both scroll separate and uninteresting social media feeds? Try these: 

Feridhoo beach, the Maldives

Stretches of white sand and clear blue water get very boring very quickly. If you’re to endure a full day of this scenic misery in the company of someone you’ve long since exhausted every conversational topic with, shelter beneath a palm to keep the glare off your screen. Bring a battery pack, facilities are limited.

Gary Danko restaurant, San Francisco

World-class New American cuisine on Fisherman’s Wharf? It might seem a cliched place to gaze at YouTube Shorts instead of your significant other, but it’s a cliche for a reason. Five stunning courses will give your thumbs all the energy they need to keep scrolling, plus you’ll be envied by other couples secretly wishing their relationships were as low maintenance.

Prater Park, Vienna

In the heart of the city, overlooked by the iconic Riesenrad ferris wheel famous from The Third Man, this is where Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy fell in love in Before Sunrise. You? You’ll be playing Candy Crush Saga while ignoring a picnic and firing up your work emails as the sun begins to set. If the signal drops you could always declutter your camera roll.

Musée Magritte, Brussels

It’s good for couples to share intellectual stimulation, and where better than at the home of this renowned surrealist? Once inside you’ll wander listlessly from room to room before settling on a bench to chuckle at a Hot Ones supercut your friend sent you. Has well-appointed bathrooms, giving you the chance to scroll in blessed solitude.

Paris

Even if it’s not your anniversary, the City of Light is a dream for couples to tap their phone screens until their thumbs get sore. A boat trip down the Seine while you try to guess today’s Wordle is always a popular choice, and attractions like the Eiffel Tower give you the perfect excuse to get distracted by TikTok for two hours. And now you’re closer than ever.

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