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Your imbecilic, half-witted and frankly bigoted ideas for the UK's new banknotes

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t: 

Wayne Hayes, respraying technician, aged 52

“It’s got to be British heroes. Jocky Wilson on the fiver throwing the winning dart in the 1982 World Championship, Bucks Fizz triumphing at Eurovision on the tenner, Gazza bringing Raoul Moat a bucket of chicken and a fishing rod on the £20, and the Brinks-Mat robbers on the £50. The King on the other side but doing different faces each time.”

Susan Traherne, Crown court prosecutor, aged 43

“I believe we should honour the contribution immigrants have made to our nation. Representative figures could include Joseph Conrad, Mo Farah, Freddie Mercury, and Rita Ora. Scraping the barrel a bit with that last one I admit, but she’ll be on the £50 and nobody I know has ever seen one.”

James Bates, trainee camera operator, aged 23

“We can’t go wrong by handing this task over to Britain’s greatest living artist – Banksy. He’ll come up with cheeky, irreverent yet surprisingly insightful takes on British society that will have the whole nation chuckling. Also as every one will be a Banksy original they’ll be worth f**king shitloads.”

Joanna Kramer, theatre nurse, aged 38

“Why not salute Britain as the home of comics by having them tell a story, perhaps of King Charles having a thrilling adventure catching thieves who’ve stolen the Crown Jewels drawn by Bash Street Kids legend Leo Baxendale? That way people will hoard money so they can read the full thing, reducing inflation.”

Hannah Tomlinson, PR executive, aged 28

“Why does it always have to be people? Why can’t we have a lovely Lake District landscape on the £50, the less pleasant Peak District on the £20, a Birmingham motorway junction on the £20 and a Southend sink estate on the £5? Really making the value of each clear and unignorable.”

Steve Malley, unemployed canal dredger, aged 61

“I already produce my own banknotes. A few strokes of a pen change twats like Alan Turing or JMW Turner, who I’ve never f**king heard of, into true British legends like Roy Chubby Brown, Gregg Wallace and Tommy Robinson. That’s how you can tell when a tenner’s been through my hands. Also because there’s traces of cocaine on it.”

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How to have a nice middle-class car accident

A DEGREE doesn’t make you immune to life’s little mishaps. It means when they happen, you handle them with dignity, passive-aggression and Ocado bags in the footwell. 

Here’s how to deal with your Audi being rear-ended by a Lexus like you’re a serious adult with Le Creuset cookware and a Boden account:

Location, location, location

As Kirstie and Phil know, location is everything. Much as you wouldn’t live more than two miles from a cheesemonger or a Pilates studio, ensure your prang takes place in the sacred triangle of Waitrose, John Lewis or a National Trust car park. Ideally while reversing next to a hybrid driven by a woman called Fenella.

Be in a rush, but tastefully

You’re not late. That’s for people who take buses. No, you’re under pressure because the nanny’s in bloody Poland, there was no salmon en croûte at M&S and Oscar has viola practice. Naturally that means you’re a little distracted, but it is the price one pays for a full, curated life.

Be mentally elsewhere

You went to a Russell Group university and read the winners of the Booker Prize. Yes, perhaps that does make it harder to focus on trivialities like wing mirrors. It’s hardly your fault you got in a little scrape with a van while mentally running through Cordelia’s UCAS personal statement. Some of us are on a higher plane.

Suppress all emotion

Remember being bullied at grammar school? Take that repressed trauma and channel it. Do not shout. Apologise profusely, but with the controlled air of someone annoyed at not getting the artisanal sourdough before the bakery section closes. Refer to the incident only as a ‘kerfuffle’ or ‘a slight bump’.

Exchange details on bespoke stationery

Dig around for something tasteful and non-tacky to jot your details on: an invitation to a gallery opening, a leaflet about your village’s sustainable veg co-operative, one of your less successful watercolours. Write in either a beautiful copperplate or the unreadable hand of a medical professional.

Follow up with a needlessly verbose email

‘Just reaching out to say again how very sorry I am for yesterday’s little mishap at the garden centre. Can’t apologise enough and hope you’re managing the trauma. Warmest wishes, and please don’t text until Tuesday as we’re on a digital sabbatical.’

Be haunted forever

Refer to it always as ‘the Incident’ or ‘that Range Rover business’. Struggle to breathe when you spot a mum in an SUV. Use it as anecdotal material at dinner parties, therapy and yoga. Casually mention how the insurance premium increase was ‘ghastly’ and segue into a 40-minute rant about the legal action you took. This wasn’t meant to happen to you.

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