CAT Deeley is single after 12 years, so don’t waste this opportunity. Even a dull non-celebrity like you could slip in on the rebound, as with these:
Emilia Clarke
Emilia split with her DJ boyfriend in January, and you’ve got the immediate advantage of not being in a contemptible profession like DJ. Not mentioning white labels and giving her helpful career advice like ‘you should get back to doing nude scenes in dragon shows, everyone loved that’ are a route to not only her heart but becoming her manager.
Cat Deeley
Cat’s single and, as a This Morning presenter, drowning in a sea of daily blandness. Having even the slightest edge in her presence – wearing a leather jacket, smoking, hissing ‘well screw you’ to minor authority figures such as parking attendants – will thrill her immensely. Romance is sure to follow.
Lenny Kravitz
Lenny has been single for a decade, and it’s obvious why: he plays the guitar. Guitarists make terrible boyfriends, always ripping out solos or fantasising about vintage Telecasters. The sure-fire way to hook him? Becoming a guitar twat yourself. Imagine the flash of recognition in his eyes as you too bore the arse off strangers about whammy arms.
Orlando Bloom
Orlando split from Katy Perry a month ago, and it’s unlikely he’s found anyone else already. You couldn’t, and you got dumped six years ago. Actors love hearing about their one mainstream role audiences identify them with which overshadows anything else they’ve ever done, so talk endlessly about Legolas. In fact call him that.
Ben Affleck
The ladies keep slipping through Ben’s grasp. Even J-Lo preferred a failing pop career to his company. Exploit his fear of dying alone and unloved by reminding him that happened to Benny Hill, another much-respected actor and auteur like himself who was unable to find happiness because he ran away from love at high speed to Yakety Sax. He’ll settle then.
Charlize Theron
‘Charlize Theron, single?’ you’re thinking disbelievingly. She claims she’s choosing this status, which is exactly what losers who can’t find anyone say. However beautiful she is, she’s not immune to compliments. ‘You were the best Mad Max girlboss,’ tell her, ‘even if Anya Taylor-Joy is young enough to be your daughter.’ Smooth.
