GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.
The high street giant, which has outperformed and outlasted countless rivals offering far more palatable pastimes, announced that soon every man will spend his evenings painting Adeptus Mechanicus.
A spokesman said: “We have won, as inevitably as the 13th Black Crusade of Abaddon the Destroyer laid waste the Imperium of Man. Don’t pretend you didn’t understand every word of that.
“With the vanquishing of our final enemy, online pornography, nothing remains to stop every man becoming a geek. All those who once mocked the school D&D club have been swayed by our nerdery.
“Your interlocking superhero universes, your ironic Iggy Pop action figures, your Game of Thrones, all designed to sweep the whole of masculinity into our thrall. Abandon your football. It is for women now. Embrace your wargaming future.”
Tom Booker of Hitchin said: “I’m not a geek. I’m a cool guy with a V For Vendetta poster and multiple Star Wars T-shirts who argues online about Halo lore. Oh f**k.
“Okay, they’ve got me. Though their 30 per cent rise in profits may also be due to their plastic figures costing more by weight than cut diamonds.”
