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Cover for paedos and take bribes: Trump's advice to Starmer

PRESIDENT Trump has popped into the UK to give our beleaguered prime minister advice on how to be a great leader like he is. These are his tips:

Cover up for a paedo buddy

It was the 90s, there were underdressed young girls everywhere, Jeffrey was a great guy, why ask questions. You were at the same kind of parties, you’re just like me. Now the fake news media is saying they were sex trafficking parties, when he hired Virginia Giuffre straight from the Mar-a-Lago parking lot? Naturally you’ll cover it up.

Demand bribes from media companies

I got this great new trick. Threaten to sue a TV company for some bullshit – you’d say some bollocks? I learnt that from Ghislaine Maxwell, she’s English, classy lady – and start readying all the machinery of the state against them, and they give you 15 million dollars! You should do that. Buy that wonderful wife of yours a little treat.

Deport more-or-less at random

You promise to deport all the bad guys, but little tip? Once they’re out of the country they can’t check! So deport anyone on any pretext. Guy’s been a legal resident 60 years, great-grandfather of 18, put the wrong year on his paperwork? Deport him to a country he hasn’t even visited! Trust me, the voters don’t care.

Act threatening, internationally

Neighbouring countries? Assholes. Think they’re America. What I do is I intimidate them, hint I’ll be taking over running them, normal stuff. You know who you should do that with? Ireland. Doesn’t make sense they act like an independent country when they’re in your isles talking your language. Tell them they’re yours now. Literally no downsides.

Rant more

I see you at the podium sticking to subjects, following notes, answering questions relevantly, and it makes me sad. Where’s the verve, where’s the weave? Why not veer off into completely unrelated subjects and make wildly false claims, like gas being $1.99 or drug prices going down by 1,500 per cent? The truth? Who respects that?

Cause more concern about cognitive decay

The media, they say Starmer’s incompetent, Starmer’s useless, but why aren’t they saying you’re suffering from dementia? You’re not making enough mistakes. Your words aren’t garbled. You walk too steady. You consistently recognise people. Reverse all that. I see your newspapers are telling you to follow all my advice, and you should.

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Going down the newsagent for a Slush Puppie: What 1980s dads considered a day out

STILL shaking after paying £90 for a safari park which will entertain the kids for two whole hours? Let Norman Steele explain how he kept his kids happy circa 1985: 

Driving round an empty car park

Driving round an empty leisure centre car park in the Vauxhall Chevette was a favourite for me, because I got to pretend I was Alain Prost. Going fast in tight circles made the kids excited, dizzy and terrified, correctly recognising their lives were in danger. And all the car parks were empty, what with Sunday trading laws.

Going to the newsagent for a Slush Puppie

More involved than you might at first think. You’ve got to walk there, stare in awe at the new Slush Puppie machine, choose the flavour, grudgingly pay, watch the kids suck out all the syrup in seconds then disappointedly realise they’ve just got a cup of ice crystals, and pick up 20 John Player Special for yourself. What a packed day. They’ll sleep well tonight.

Visiting a featureless manmade lake

A lake is a lake, even if it’s a reservoir. So what if it’s entirely featureless apart from a sign saying ‘DANGER! NO SWIMMING’? Three hours of skimming stones over a vast expanse of grey water and you can go home and cook chips from a large, grimy pan of boiling oil that could set your kitchen alight and has in the past.

Seeing Jodrell Bank from a mile away

The eldest was obsessed with space stuff but the visitor centre’s a right rip-off, Darren down the pub said. So why not enjoy Britain’s most famous radio telescope by stopping the car when you can see it fairly clearly in the distance? If you live down south substitute a local equivalent like Drax power station. Let them have crisps in the car.

Buying a comic

A perfectly good substitute for a day at the zoo. The young one would improve their literacy by selecting a comic, I’d have a scan of the top shelf then pick up the Sun, then it’s back home while they lose themselves in a magical fictional world of horrifically violent warfare. Or future warfare, if they’d bought 2000AD.

Going to the ice-cream van

Some might point out this only takes 15 minutes at most. That is shortsighted. Tell them they’re allowed in the morning and they’ll spend all day listening out, afraid to miss it. Let them have a 99 Flake, an unimaginable gastronomic luxury comparable in those days to the tasting menu at the Fat Duck, and they’re in heaven.

A swift pint or two

Back then play areas hadn’t really been invented, but if dads fancied a pint there were plenty of ways for kids to amuse themselves in the pub, such as eating peanuts and being quiet. Was it technically a day trip? No, but nor is buying a new hedge trimmer and some Rawlplugs from Homebase, and that’s tomorrow’s fun-filled day out.

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