WORKMATES not got a lot going on? Treat them to every twist in your wild rollercoaster life with regular updates. These methods let you build insights into your life into your day:
Announcing your colonoscopy in morning meetings
It’s not every day that you get a camera shoved up your arse, so it definitely warrants a mention in the AOB section of the daily morning meeting. Leave a pause to allow everyone to visualise it, and don’t be alarmed if nobody asks any follow-up questions. You can explain all the enema-based preparation you’re doing unprompted.
Putting your sex life in your Google Calendar
An absolute must if you’re trying for a baby so colleagues know when you’re ovulating and can take over your duties while you rush home to get it doggystyle. Juniors and senior management alike will appreciate being kept abreast of the weekly rhythms of your lovemaking. If you feel shy, try a subtle code like ‘S*X’.
Regaling the kitchenette with a nappy explosion story
New parents put up with a lot. Sleepless nights, endless feedings, and ordure everywhere. Your office will definitely be fascinated by the last of those, so share an anecdote about being elbow-deep in your son’s faeces immediately before borrowing Amanda’s coffee cup. This place would be dead without you!
Explaining your missed deadlines are due to divorce
Some marriages don’t last. Yours hasn’t, which means any request you supply your monthly ROIs to your line manager makes him as bad as your f**king ex-wife and that bastard lawyer she’s hired who you’re sure she’s shagging. It’s important you pass on advice from this awful situation to your colleagues, especially the young and optimistic in long-term relationships.
Go around asking everyone how much they earn
HR discourages it, but then they’re against sexual harassment which shows what they know. Go around the desks opening with what you earn to encourage everyone to be candid in return. You’re just an open kind of guy who doesn’t believe in secrets and will dedicate the rest of your year to getting Chris sacked because he earns five grand more than you.
