Alec Baldwin is top priority, says international community

WORLD leaders have set aside their differences to focus on the well-being of Alec Baldwin.

The actor has admitted that being famous had brought attention to him, which he found oppressive.

Vladimir Putin said: “Let us disregard the whole Ukraine thing until the star of Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa is feeling more cheerful.

“We share a lot of views and I’d really like to get my copy of Pluto Nash signed, so whatever he was going on about in that thing he wrote, we need to get it sorted.”

Baldwin’s happiness has been linked to the strength of financial markets, with the Dow Jones hitting its highest levels in 1994 shortly after the release of The Getaway and the subsequent recession linked to a film called Hick.

Barack Obama is due to meet with Alec Baldwin tomorrow, after mistakenly meeting William Baldwin yesterday.

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Gay Winter Olympics still going on in Putin's head

A BRAZENLY homosexual Winter Olympics is ongoing in the imagination of Russian president Vladimir Putin.

The event is based on the actual Winter Olympics which concluded on Sunday but with cutaway Lycra and explicit man-on-man victory podium kisses.

Putin said: “It won’t stop. The frictionless penetration of the two-man bob. The grins on their faces as they rocket down the luge. The ladies’ hockey, or I think they were ladies.

“Even the biathlon, which involves guns, has become an event where competitors make out with a chick and a dude.”

“Curling is just the same, because it couldn’t possibly be any gayer.

“And at the climax, I keep seeing myself win the men’s figure skating with a routine set to Call Me Maybe by tearing open my sequined shirt to reveal tinsel nipple-tassels.”

The event, which had an erotic opening ceremony that the President doesn’t have the specialist vocabulary to summarise, is giving him sleepless nights.

Putin continued: “God, it makes me want to dress in my Army uniform, sit astride a tank-barrel and give some country a good seeing to.

“And I know just the one.”