Ireland offered Garth Crooks instead

IRISH fans of country star Garth Brooks have been offered a stout BBC pundit as a replacement.

Devotees of the American singer were left disappointed when he cancelled five Dublin gigs, but organisers are hoping that former Tottenham and Stoke ace Garth Crooks will be an appropriate substitute.

Concert promoter Wayne Hayes said: “When Garth Brooks said he couldn’t do it, there was one name that popped immediately into our heads.

“Garth Crooks may not have won 18 Academy of Country Music Awards or sold 70 million albums or ever played a guitar, but he is a man.”

Crooks will pick eleven of his favourite tracks from the albums Ropin’ the Wind, Fresh Horses, and The Magic of Christmas, and arrange them in a 4-4-2 formation, which it is hoped will appeal to traditionalists.

All concertgoers will be treated to a sit-down with Crooks, where he will ask them questions that are simple but repetitive in the style of 1995 hit Ain’t Goin’ Down (‘Til The Sun Comes Up).

Hayes said: “Whatever their answers, Garth Crooks will interrupt fans with a completely unrelated follow-up question, which will surprise and delight them as surely as if Garth Brooks had followed Friends In Low Places with Rodeo.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Careless USB removal causes multiple deaths

EIGHTEEN workers have died after a USB stick was removed from a computer without adequate precautions.

The offices of Hereford-based Envision Photography were completely destroyed in the ensuing blast.

Survivor Norman Steele said: “My colleague Helen had put some files on the stick to work on at home, and she yanked it out of the computer before anyone could scream ‘no’.

“I kicked her aside as a jet of white-hot flame belched out of the USB port and set fire to the desk opposite.

“Grabbing her, I dived through the window just before all the PCs in the network exploded with purple electricity that fried everyone in the building.

“I sprinted to my car, knowing that the printers were already becoming merciless hunter-killer drones, shouting for Helen to follow.

“But when I looked round I saw her frozen, something glowing in her hand, the awareness dawning of her fate. She was still holding the USB.

“She detonated in a flash of ultraviolet light that turned everything in a four-metre radius into radioactive ash and left me with first-degree burns across my whole body.”

A spokesman for the Fire Service said: “Every year, more than 18,000 people in the UK are killed by unsafely removed USB sticks.

“And you must never, ever, shut down when programs are still running.”