'Is she evil?' Queen asks Harry

THE Queen has told Prince Harry that if his wife is a demon who tricked him into marriage to enslave him then everyone would understand. 

During a crisis meeting at Sandringham, the Queen advised her grandson that there is no shame in accidentally marrying someone who is pure evil and has vowed to destroy the monarchy, adding that it would ‘not be the first time’. 

The Queen said: “At first, she seemed lovely, but then over the last year or so she’s changed and become quite wicked like Angelina Jolie in Maleficent, or Nicole Kidman in To Die For. Is that fair to say? 

“She seems especially to dislike the tabloid newspapers, which seems harmless enough on the face of it, but in my experience means she has the corrupted heart of a succubus.

“Have you started to think evil thoughts yourself? Like ‘What is the purpose of my life?’ or ‘Would I be happier as a lumberjack?’.

“We can get the Archbishop of Canterbury to perform an exorcism. He’s totally up for it.” 

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Man longing for the tender touch of airport security search

A MAN has admitted that getting frisked at the airport is the most intimate experience he has had since he got pickpocketed last year.

Norman Steele was travelling to Barcelona when he was pulled aside for a routine pat-down by a dead-faced security officer.

Steele explained: “I’d barely had the chance to lift my arms into the required ‘child pretending to be an aeroplane’ position, when I could feel gentle hands sweeping down my chest and legs.

“All of a sudden I felt whole. And less alone. In a way I haven’t since a drunk coworker mistakenly hugged me at an office party in 2015.”

A research psychologist explained: “There are five typical emotional responses to the airport security screening process. Existential completeness is not one of them.”