Jamie Oliver calls for ban on eating

JAMIE Oliver plans to combat obesity by banning people from eating food. 

The celebrity chef is calling on MPs to boycott anything edible, except for a bit of tapenade on special occasions.

Jamie Oliver said: “By finally putting a stop to the outdated and unhealthy habit of eating food, I am confident that we will trigger a rapid drop in obesity.

“People who aren’t chefs or rich enough to have their own chefs just can’t be trusted to eat food. They are having bowls of sugar-coated shit for breakfast just because Tony the Cougar told them it’s full of magic.

“In some cases they’re too stupid to put the food in their mouths and are just sticking it up their arses, which is causing all sorts of problems.”

He added: “I am starting with my restaurants. As far as I am concerned if people want food from Jamie’s Kitchens they can have it outside with the other dirty stinking eaters.”

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Summer half-term 'a taste of true horror to come'

THE summer half-term break has provided parents with an insight into the horror show of looking after their children for a full six weeks.

Last week’s endurance test was a ‘free sample’ of summer’s living hell when parents must wrangle their offspring for almost two solid months.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I’m barely satisfying my own selfish needs, let alone the demands of a juvenile on a Twister and Pom-Bears comedown.

“Six weeks is a disgusting amount of time. It’s literally a month with two extra punishment weeks added on. What are we actually paying our taxes for?

“The worst bit of the summer holidays is the 20 second break between episodes of Paw Patrol on Netflix. Do I want another episode? Are they taking the piss? Of course I do you sick bastards. ”

Logan’s seven-year-old son Jack said: “I can’t wait to fill my dad’s hollow Pinterest board of a life with the words ‘I’m bored’ screamed as loud as my tiny lungs will allow.”