Only 17 massive new problems with Brexit discovered today

ONLY 17 immense Brexit problems have emerged in the last 24 hours, an upbeat Theresa May has confirmed.

The prime minister is upbeat because the latest daily batch of seemingly insurmountable difficulties – including a lack of qualified opticians, the closure of garden centres and severe toilet paper shortages – is the smallest yet.

She said: “17 new intractable problems is fantastic compared to last Friday when there were 48 including the possibility of only having electricity two days a week.

“These are very minor concerns, such as Britain’s sausage industry being devastated. Nobody really needs sausages and personally I prefer a nice piece of salmon, so I think we can safely ignore that.

“A leading surgeon was worried about a shortage of ‘anaesthetics’ or something but it sounded pretty obscure so we all had a good laugh at him for being such a negative Nellie.

“He’s probably one of those ‘Liberal elite’ people who has a big garden and makes fun of you for being common.”

Leave voter Roy Hobbs said: “Who cares if the entire farming industry collapses? The main thing is telling the Germans to sod off, and I say that as a farmer.”

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Mum very disappointed with Hugh Grant for trying to kill that gay man

A MIDDLE-AGED mother believes Hugh Grant has let her down by actually being a politician involved in a botched attempt to murder his gay lover.

52-year-old Mary Fisher liked the actor since 1994’s Four Weddings and a Funeral but had no idea that he had spent the 1960s seducing young impressionable men and the 1970s attempting to kill them. 

She said: “I’ve seen a different side to him, I can’t deny. And it’s not one I like. 

“Hugh was so lovely when he owned that bookshop, and when he was prime minister for a little while, and I couldn’t resist him when he was involved with that Jones girl even though he was a bit naughty.

“But he was so slimy and dishonest on that BBC thing it made me shudder. You can’t just put on a performance like that, not unless you’re a proper actor like Anthony Hopkins. So it must be a documentary about Hugh Grant’s actual life.

“I’m sorry but no. He’s out. I’m sticking to a man you can trust, like Ben Fogle.”